The Voice Within

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You Official Music Video

2012-02-12T07:49:00.000-05:00

What a horrible shame to read that Whitney died unexpectedly yesterday. I loved her voice and this video was my favourite. She made a alot of mistakes over the years and it ruined her career but in her heyday, her voice was magnificent.

R.I.P.

Summer Memories

2012-02-02T13:42:00.000-05:00

Another iconic part of Toronto is biting the dust. So many places from my childhood have been torn down to be replaced by condos or in some cases be redeveloped park land. Some like in the case of the coal burning hydro plant which of course was a good thing to demolish. Condos up where our version of 'Arnold's Drive-In' and the Red Cabin were. I can remember getting fries in grade 6 at lunch time for less than 50 cents.

Today I read the sad news that Ontario Place is closing. The huge dome, The Cinesphere, will be flattened as they redevelop. What a shame. Apparently they have had problems with declining attendance in the past few years and from what I understand is hoping funding will be coming more from the private sector as opposed to being government funded. It's more for either the younger set or people attending concerts at the Amphitheater.

I used to take my kids all the time. Back in the day of course it was way cheaper both for the train ride there and admission. One year my friend Sue and I took the kids 4 or 5 times in one summer. I believe it was for the 20th anniversary that there was free admission. For less than 25 dollars total we rode the train on the group pass of 10 bucks, 5 dollars for a wagon rental and 8 dollars for the 4 kids to play in the water park. No charge for us to sit in the water area while the kids played. We loaded up back packs with sandwiches and fruit and veggies, frozen juice, bathing suits and towels and pulled it all in the wagon. There was a huge play area for the kids to run and jump and climb, mini zip lines, slides, swings. All kids were pointed to the giant crayons which is where the lost children and medical aid station was located with the strict admonishment to go there and stay there if they lost track of us. The kids were too small to do rides, too small for any of the attractions that cost money so for about 12 dollars per parent, it was the cheapest family fun around that year.

I remember taking Jenn and Jason to see Fred Penner, a children's entertainer and Sharon, Louis and Bram I saw Paul Williams at the Amphitheater before it was revamped. We saw Close Encounters Special edition at the Cinesphere. Countless educational shows in a theater that was cutting edge for its time. The fantastic fireworks displays that we went to on Victoria Day. Taking the kids to the C.N. E. and having free admission to Ontario Place included in the price and being able to take them to the splash pad when it got too hot if we wanted.

Hard to believe it's gonna be demolished. It truly is a sad, sad day.

Forty years, quite a run! Thanks for the wonderful memories. We're gonna miss that iconic dome on the waterfront.

The things you see when ya have an iphone handy....

2012-01-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

I woke up in a wonderful mood today! I should do cos not only did I sleep 4 hours yesterday afternoon, I went to bed at 10 and slept til 9 am! Can't get much more rested than that!

Went to the gym and even though it's dreary and gray and spitting a bit I had a spring in my step that hasn't been there for awhile. I'm on a new med to add to my BP meds. When I went she also gave me a breathing test because I was complaining about this coughing I'd been experiencing. The nurse did two tests, one regular test and one after they gave me a puffer to breathe in on. She said that although my breathing was perfectly fine, once I had the inhaler it got wayyy better so she gave me a sample size and I swear that's what's making me feel so much better.

So thinks seem brighter and lighter recently. While I was walking to the gym I spotted these keys so I put my bright blue umbrella down beside them for contrast ( and doncha' just lurve how bright that blue is??? ) and thought I'd post them. Selma sees things like this all the time and if I had a modicum of her talent, I could whip up a story to go along with the keys just lying there. I can't help but wonder what the story is behind them. Why they're there, were they under the thin layer of snow til the rain washed it away leaving them exposed? Curiouser and curiouser.

This wasps nest was just lying at the curb as I walked up the driveway on my way back. It is unusual to see a wasps nest at this time of year, even if it is an abandoned one and at the curb? It's been a strange winter and I'm gonna be on the lookout for some confused robins to show up next.

We've been really lucky this winter here in southern Ontario, we're getting weather that is more like British Columbia. It ain't over yet and I don't want to jinx us but wouldn't it be nice if the rest of the winter was like this?!

On saving money...or trying to anyway

2012-01-22T21:35:00.000-05:00

One of the things I resolved? to try to accomplish this new year was to try and save more money on my grocery bill, using more coupons and only buying what I need, no matter how good the deal.

It's alot more difficult than I imagined! I always use coupons and look for sales and will hit 4 or 5 stores in a 5 mile radius and/or price match to get the best possible deal.

So every weekend I take Jenn and we shop, only to discover that we are actually spending MORE by hitting up all these stores because ultimately we can't turn down a good deal and THAT throws our budgets way off.

This week was a challenge. We decided to just go to No Frills and Walmart Superstore cos both price match and it actually worked! Well, I still went $10 over my plan but the pork loin roast I bought was $2.50 more than I planned for, I needed to buy windshield washer fluid at $4 that I forgot to put on my list and I couldn't, just couldn't turn down 1 kg of Kraft peanut butter for $1.88!! So really I only went over by a couple bucks on my actual list. I call that successful. It's so expensive to eat healthy. The crappy fattening stuff is way cheaper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's time to start socking away as much money as possible for the move that is looming up on us. In the meantime, I need to renew my sticker for 2 years and buy 4 new all season tires for the car. The only good thing is I don't need an emission test. I found out this year that new cars are exempt for 7 years so my car won't need to be tested til 2016! Yay, not that it's a big cost but it's still a hassle and if there's anything wrong it has to be fixed etc.

So the move is planned for June 1st. I can't wait to be in a house and have a little garden and yard. We're all a little sick of living in apartments. It's gonna be a big change but we all get along really well and as long as we respect each others space it should be good. It will save us all money too cos we can split the rent and the utilities. The biggest bonus is I get to see my grand kids every day if I want! Win/win.

Speaking of the kids, I just love them to pieces. I babysat Saturday for a few hours even though I worked overtime on Saturday so they could go to the movies and get a bit of a break. I was miserable at work. I HATE working overtime, really really despise it but I had a day off last week and I thought I'd make it up. I want to but I hated every minute of it and yet once I picked up the kids the miseries went away! Funny how that happens. They always cheer me up cos they're just so darned cute!

Today when I dropped Jenn and the shopping off, I gave Logan kisses and huggies and gum and little miss Lia was just up from her nap and was all smiles and warm huggies. Jason put her on the floor and with me egging her on SHE CRAWLED TO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!! Omg how freaking adorable was she lunging and grinning as I clapped and told her what a wonderfully smart girl she is lol And she finally got a tooth which Jenn found out the hard way when she bit down on Jenn's finger and something sharp scraped her lol They are absolutely the light of my life and I grinned like a fool all the way home thinking about the look on her face as she finally mastered the idea of crawling. I can't wait to move and be part of her firsts all the time.

I'm feeling much better lately, more on that next time, just enough to say I've accepted what I can't change and have put it out of my mind.

Now I want time to fly so we can get on with the move. Be fun to put in flowers and maybe even a few veggies and learn about gardening.

On a happier note...

2012-01-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics. I can't let that last post be the one I see everytime I log in until I post again. These gorgeous faces make my life worthwhile. I love them and they love me, unconditionally, the way it should be.

Lia opening prezzies!

Jenn was sooooo excited to get Jeff Dunham
tickets from her hubby for Christmas

My 3 favourite girls in the world!

Logan at the park

Lia on the slide

Logan on the slide

Lia on the swing

Being wrong really sucks

2012-01-10T18:17:00.000-05:00

I've been putting this post off for a week now. I so wish things had turned out differently. Maybe I was seeing things through rose coloured glasses, believing that people are innately good. How wrong, how very wrong I was.

We took hub's mother out for lunch. Her protection for the day was his niece, his sister's daughter. Whatever, I was just as glad to see Vanessa as it's been like 15 or so years since I saw her last. We had a perfectly pleasant lunch. Learned a few things, like his stepfather left her penniless. I actually felt sorry for her when she related the tale of how he had it set up that his pensions and all benefits died with him. Even to the point that I thought, maybe we could help her out somehow, even if it's only 100 a month or grocery gift cards or something ya know? I couldn't bear thinking she was going without.

At the end of lunch she hugged me and said how much she'd missed us and that she hoped we could move on now. I hugged her back and told her we'd be in touch soon.

And me being me, I couldn't let it rest there. Because she still blames me. I sent her a lovely card and I included a note saying how nice it was to see her and that I thought if we worked at it, we could be a family again. I wanted her to understand why we reacted the way we did. I apologised for my part in it, that I wished things could be different, that we were upset over things his sister said and things her son said to our girls about being low class because we lived in apartments. I told her Chrissy would be willing to see her mainly because she doesn't remember her being in their lives. Jenn on the other hand would take more work cos she did remember and still carries the hurt of being cast aside by her grandmother. I apologised for not making more of an effort to find out why and I ended with saying we'd be in touch.

Well, that blew up in my face big time. Neither his mother nor his sister believe that they own ANY blame and that the letter was terrible etc. Tim took the calls and said I have the letter in front of me and it's not bad and we did want his mom to understand our position and that this couldn't be brushed away. And why one of our kids would refuse to see her. Apparently unless we are willing to pretend the estrangement never happened, that my kids' grandmother never turned her back on them, that unless we never speak of it again, we'd never be a family. As it is, she NEVER wants to see me again because I won't let it go. Gee, REALLY? Wonder why hmmm?

She hurt my kids on PURPOSE. You don't "get over" that. We're not ostriches. We face life face on, we deal with family matters as they arise. We don't hurt each other and expect them to get over it. We apologise when the need arises and most of\ all, we LOVE each other. If she apologised I would be willing to let it go, if she showed even an iota of remorse, I'd let it go.

BITCH

I can't even begin to explain how upset I was. I couldn't fucking believe my ears when hub told me what happened. I was at work and told him call your mom cos it's probably just your sister being a hag as usual but oh no. I'm a terrible person for upsetting an old lady...Lady my ass, she ain't no lady. Her hubby knew exactly what he was doing when he set up his pensions the way he did. She's deluding herself (big surprise there hmm) that he just didn't know any better. I call bullshit, he knew what she was, he knew she only cared about herself and her daughter so let her support the old bat. There was strife in that marriage and comments overheard when he thought noone was listening that I caught on more than one occasion.

I haven't cried like that in months. I'm still floored by what went down.

Hub doesn't want me to upset myself over it but I feel like a fool. It was my idea to send her something, my idea to make it flowering plants, my idea for lunch, I bought a bouquet of flowers for her birthday, my idea to send her a card and this is the thanks I get. Simply unbelievable that she would rather go to her grave without ever seeing her grandchildren or great grandchildren again than apologise and make amends.

I can't wrap my brain around that, I really can't. My grandkids mean EVERYTHING to me. I couldn't imagine not being in their lives.

My hub summed it up perfectly when h said he knew from the first 5 minutes that it wouldn't end well and I asked him what he meant he said, "Did she ask about the kids?' And the answer is no, no she didn't.

I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened to me.

She's taken up enough space in my head. As of now she's gone. I had to wait until writing this wouldn't upset me. It's out and my mind can be my own again.

There's a special place in hell reserved for women like her and her daughter.

Christmas melancholy

2011-12-25T02:45:00.000-05:00

Here I am again, up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I hope this isn't gonna become a habit.

The gifts are all bought and wrapped, everything organised for the trip down to Jenn's in the morning. I still have to ice the cake I made yesterday and make the green bean casserole. That's something new. I had the casserole a few years ago and I really liked it so I looked up the recipe online and it seems pretty easy. I dropped the stuffing and all the other bits and bobs off at Jenn's yesterday. I also dropped off the jogger stroller I got for such a good deal at Walmart. It was regularly $120 marked down to $80. So even though I bought her a smaller stroller, I couldn't pass up such a good deal. This one has 3 wheels and the tires are like bike tires and will go through the snow with ease. Well, that is if we ever get any snow. But either way it'll be good for this year and the next two for sure. Now she has 3 strollers. The other one I bought is like an umbrella one just a bit bigger and will be a lot easier to get on the buses with.

Once we left her place we took the car through the car wash and decided to get pancake mix for breakfast. Something I used to do years ago and lost the habit of on Christmas morning.

But then, well I decided to stop at the cemetery on the way to the grocery store to wish my parents a Merry Christmas and that's why I can't sleep. I miss them so much, my mom especially. It's taken me years and years to get over her death, to be able to celebrate Christmas with any kind of joy since she passed away. I started thinking about how differently she approached mother and gramma hood and couldn't help but compare hub's mother and I think it's so unfair that my mom is gone and his lives on. It's silly I know but I can't help it. My mom went out of her way to make sure the kids knew she loved them and us, she treated my hub more like a son than his own mother did. The way she did up Christmas, her baking, cookies and candy and pies, the funny little gifts she got the girls. She never asked what we wanted, she seemed to know instinctively what we'd love to have.

God how I miss her.

I thought I had it in hand this year but I guess not cos here I am at 230 in the morning crying as I try to type this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just have to go on and put a brave face on and be thankful I'm here to enjoy my kids and grand kids. They make it all worthwhile for me. And I try to do as my mom would've had she still been here. Try to create the same great memories for my own family to remember me by .

The pain never goes away completely but seeing Lia's smiling face in the morning and huge hugs from Logan will take the sting out. And serve to remind me that we have one kick at the can in this life and we ought to make sure we do the best we can with it. That means enjoying them now while we're young so that in our later years we don't have to beg for forgiveness for the way we acted years ago. And yes, that's a dig at the monster in law. I'm rather bitter over the whole situation with her.

Well enough of this I want Christmas to be happy so I think I'll try and get a bit more sleep and hopefully will be able to turn my brain off.

Hope everyone has a nice Christmas and that Santa brings lots of goodies for all! I'll be back later today or tomorrow with a bunch of pics to post.

Happy Holidays

Making amends and accepting what you cannot change.

2011-12-24T10:39:00.001-05:00

Two posts in one day.

My entire married life has been fraught with issues regarding my hubs family. How they treated us and our children. There were hurtful things said, my mother in law's treatment of my children compared to how the other kids were treated. The Christmases we weren't included because we wouldn't take 3 buses in order to join them, not understanding why they couldn't pick us up. This was before the price of gas was an issue. Why his sister and mother just couldn't accept that I wanted my wedding my way, not theirs. The problems it caused by my refusal to bow to what they wanted. That have lasted to this day.

Last year his sister sent a snotty Christmas card telling him to maybe call his mother sometime. Needless to say I freaked and I sent her an email just tearing her apart for what she's done over the years. There are so many issues, far too many to get into here. Suffice to say that mistakes and blame were made by both sides. They could've tried harder and so could we have. With age comes the wisdom I guess to know that while we are not solely responsible for the estrangement, and that his sister was indeed the catalyst, we carry some blame as well.

A couple of weeks ago we got a card in the mail from his mom. For the first time EVER, it was addressed to BOTH of us. To say we were floored was an understatement. We thought well, it's a start, we should send her a card as well. Except we knew she must have moved since hubs stepfather died and didn't have the new address. I messaged one of his brothers on face book and got no answer. So I sent another saying OK well she sent no return address, no response from brother, clearly she didn't want to get in touch after all and we should just forget it. Within 6 hours we got a reply saying to get off our high horse that they had only seen the message that day. Yea, I call bullshit cos by the time he sent us the addy, it was conveniently too late to send her a card back in time for Christmas.

So I thought why don't we send her some flowers? I went to the florist shop and bought a gorgeous arrangement with plants and pine cones and decorations and had it delivered on Thursday of this past week. I knew what his brother was up to, to make us look as bad as possible for not sending her a card back in time. Out of all his family, the only ones we are willing to see are his older brother and his mother, his other two brothers and sister we won't see.

I don't know what is up with me this past year. I've become way more accommodating. Mellowed I guess. I donated a turkey for Second Harvest, bought and donated gloves and hats for the native Canadians up north who are living in substandard housing and need help badly and now I'm willing to see hubs mother. I wonder who I am some days or who I've become. Ten years ago I woulda said let the old bitch rot for all I care, even last year I was still so angry about it and I'm not anymore. I don't want her to die with this estrangement between us. I don't want to be responsible for him not seeing his mom, that she could die without things being resolved. I just don't want that on my conscience.

So while we won't see her all the time, we have arranged to take her out for lunch on New Years Day, hopefully his brother and sister in law will join us as well.

But ya know what? Being the bigger person SUCKS. I don't want to, but I know it's the right thing to do....sigh.

Pics of my gal

2011-12-24T05:17:00.000-05:00

We took Lia with us when we had a "girls" day out last Sunday. She loved shopping with Gramma and Mummy and Auntie Chrissy! Sitting up in the cart like a people instead of in a car seat.

Unfortunetly, she's an amatuer yet and crashed after lunch. In fact this was taken in the food court and the noise was incredible but she was DONE lol

Just thought I'd post this pic Jenn took of me and Lia. She insists I look young enough in this pic to be Lia's mom and the reason people think I AM her mom. I'm not as offended as I used to be when people mistake me for her mom. I personally don't think I look as young as she says, but I do have to admit that not smoking has made my skin look freaking awesome now! Maybe that's why it struck her the way it did cos she sees me all the time but going through her pics, she said it JUMPED out at her that I don't look 50. Well, I appreciate the notion Jenny -poo xoxo

My little sleepy baby and just look at all that red hair!! Her skin is like alabaster and those fat cheeks! So kissable lol Apparently instead of creeping backwards, she's started to crawl forward and although Jenn says she looks like a cocker spaniel trying to wriggle, at least she's figured it out!

I'll be seeing her later when I drop off the stuffing and stuff I'm contributing to dinner tomorrow and I can't wait to see her crawl! I haven't seen her since last Sunday and I'm having Lia-bug withdrawal!

Well I'm off to Walmart, it's open 24 hours, to pick up a few last, last minute things. Figured the best time to go is before 6 am lol

The countdown begins

2011-12-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

One week to go til Christmas eve! Can't believe how fast its crept up on us but I'm ready for the most part. I'm going out with my girls tomorrow for last minute stuff and some hanging out time before the holiday. Jenn's making cookies this week coming, Chrissy will be busy making cookies and apple pie. Thank goodness both girls inherited my mom's love of baking at Christmas. Cos the best I can do or feel inclined to do is make a cake in the shape of a Christmas tree. Baking and fiddling with cookies, pies and candies has never been my forte, I don't have the patience for it. Rolling out cookie dough and fiddling with cutters and decorations aggravate me lol Funnily enough I have no problem EATING them lol

Thinking about my mom brought this to my mind. Shown is a light up one but the version we had wasn't. It's by a company called Bradford which is now out of business and they were called Carillon Tree Topper Spires. They were advertised as unbreakable but the one my mom used for years had the top of the spire broken off.

They certainly are different and as children we were warned not to touch the "angel hair" in the middle as it was made of spun fiberglass and would cut our fingers. Last year or the year before I saw them in the stores and although I've been looking, haven't had any luck this year. Then I thought, too late as it turned out, to try ebay or amazon and sure enough you can still get them but it's too late for this year. I'm still thinking of ordering it anyway and having it for next year.

Here are a couple pics that have brought a smile to my face lately. The first two are credited to Chris of Metalmom fame, she gets the coolest pics sent to her that she shares on face book.

This one is a pic of my coffee lid from this morning. On my way to get my hair cut I stopped at the Timmy's drive thru and the girl was super chipper for so early and when I looked down I saw the smiley face and it set the mood for the day! How cute is that?

Eight more sleeps til Santa!

Sleepless in Mississauga

2011-12-11T03:59:00.000-05:00

It's after 3 and I can't sleep. Two weeks today til Christmas morning. Nine years ago today my dad passed away. It's my 15th year without my mom this Christmas. My sister has been gone 5 years. Woke up around 2ish feeling somewhat lost and unhappy. Even though it's been pretty good depression wise this year. It's been a year of huge changes for us. Guess it all just caught up with me while I was sleeping. Doesn't help that it's pms time. I dreamt the other night I started smoking again. Haven't had that dream in quite awhile but I guess since that's how I handled stress in the past, it shouldn't be too big a surprise.

I didn't think I was stressing too bad and I'm not really but it's there if I'm dreaming that. I've just been trying to concentrate on the positive of what I do have rather than what I no longer have. In 2 days it will be 10 months since I quit. Sooner than I think I'll be able to say 1 year smoke free!

So I thought I'd write down the good things to try and banish the not so good.

We were able to completely pay off two credit cards this year. They were for a car place and together we owed close to 1500 bucks. Gone and gone is 28 percent interest. We paid off in total 1000 bucks we owed to hubs work in cash advances, no interest there but no longer deductions off each pay either. We were able to pay cash for snow tires, no mean feat at damn near 700 bucks. We have been able to meet every bill and pay them ahead of schedule for the first time in years. Our credit rating is still more than a little battered but in time it will be better. With every payment made on time it improves little by little. One loan we have will be paid off next year and the other has only 2 years left. Once they are done it frees up 700 dollars a month back in our pocket. The plan is, after we move next spring, to double up the payments when we can to try and get rid of it a bit faster.

I'm able to go Christmas shopping without worry about what I'm spending. Except for one more gift for my daughters each, I'm done shopping and that includes all the stocking stuff for everyone as well. It feels great to be able to do that. Yesterday I went to the local Loblaws grocery store to pick up a turkey for dinner at Jenn's and a smaller one to cook for hubs and I on boxing day. While I was there I was approached by a guy who was setting up for the Second Harvest food drive. They were asking people to donate a turkey to help a needy family have a Christmas dinner. The price was right at 1.29 a pound which is why I was there to begin with, so I paid for a 10 pound turkey and donated it. It breaks my heart to think someone is so bad off they can't afford 10 bucks for a turkey for the holidays and I'm so grateful I was able to help out a bit.

Lia bug is healthy and happy, Logan is talking more, growing big and strong. We all have our health. I'm thankful for it all and it really does help to accentuate the positive and gloss over the negative. I miss my family of course but the family I do have is my life and I'm very thankful for them all.

I'm looking forward to 4 days off then 2 1/2 on then 3 more off. Wish I had the whole week off but grateful I have a job and that I get the time that I do.

On that note I think I'm gonna try and get some more sleep. Gonna babysit my bubbies later today while hubs takes Jenn for groceries, need a bit more rest but I thought I'd share a couple photos to remind me that I have loads to be happy about.

At the local Dollerama making Logan try on Christmas cowboy hats...doesn't he look impressed?? lol

Lia-bug trying on the Santa chimney hohoho hat!

They're both adorable!

Simon's Cat in 'Santa Claws'

2011-12-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

For anyone who's owned a cat at Christmas. We had one that loved to lie in the tree, cradled by the branches lol

frosty the pervert

2011-12-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I'm a perv but I couldn't resist. What can I say? The irreverent makes me giggle like a school girl lol

It's a new day and I'm back to NORMAL ...somewhat anyway :)

2011-11-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

I stayed in bed for 13 hours!!! lol Crazy shit I know, but I needed the rest obviously. I feel like a whole new person today, a whole new NICE person today lol

Went to the gym, came back and dug in to start cleaning. There was a time when I could manage kids and cleaning and it didn't seem like any big deal. Clearly I've forgotten how to keep 2 kids occupied and still maintain some sort of order.

The balconies are done, the doors can be opened and I looked at it yesterday and thought omg just look at the mess the windows are in! Jenn is coming up tomorrow to help me string lights and decorate a bit. But christ I couldn't do anything til the windows were cleaned. So moving as fast as possible I did inside and out, vacuumed up all the concrete dust between the storm windows, scraped all the grit off everything and while it's not the greatest job in the world, it'll do. Dishes are done, two loads of laundry done, my dinner for tonight almost done and I'm sitting for a quick cup of coffee.

This is our last year here and it's Jenn's turn to host dinner so I'm not going to go all out. At least I don't think so anyway lol We'll see once we start pulling stuff out tomorrow. I wasn't gonna do it so early but when I was at her place on Saturday, I saw she had her tree up, lights all twinkling, some decorations up and I thought I wanna do it tooooooo!!! lol

Bonus is I have most of the stuff bought, most wrapped and ready to go under the tree so it won't look bare.

One thing I found odd is I ordered from Amazon twice. The first time they sent the stuff by UPS who SAY they tried to deliver. I call bullshit on that one cos there was no call on my phone from downstairs to let them in the day they say they tried. So hubby has to go to the UPS store today to pick it up. The second order though was shipped by Canada Post. So odd cos all the stuff was from Amazon, not individual sellers so I'm confused. Well, doesn't matter I guess as long as I get it. Oh and get this, after I went to the trouble to get another reloadable credit card, when I ordered I discover that Amazon now takes debit...figures lol

Well, heading off I guess. Still have to eat lunch and get ready for work. Hope everyone is having a good start to their week!!

Be careful what ya wish for.....

2011-11-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

Well this is one weekend I'm glad to see come to a close!

I babysat from 7 pm Friday night til 10 pm Saturday night and never ever again will I complain about being too old to have kids again, cry over the empty nest, feel old cos I'm past it etc etc etc.

First of all, babysitting after working 8 hours and then going to the gym is never a good idea. The darling little bubbie who always sleeps 10 hours any other time will always pick this time to decide that sleep is overrated. The darling who will only wake for her num once, maybe twice, will all of a sudden decide she's starving to death at 2:30 am, demand a bottle and then decide it's playtime. She tries to charm with smiles and giggles, energetically jumping up and down on a comatose gramma who only wants to sleep and looks at said darling and asks "Who the hell are you and what have you done with my real granddaughter?!?!" Finally convince her to go back to bed only to be woken up every hour with her crying cos she dropped her num yet again.

Up out of frustration at 7 am, to discover Logan is up and all cheerful and wanting to watch Waynes World, get him situated, tell him grammy needs to take puppy for a pee, don't touch anything. Take the dog for a record breaking pee and poop, dash back up to hear Lia yelling her head off, the cats crying to be fed, the dog whining for her food and I haven't even had a coffee. While hubby blissfully sleeps through it all.....

Pop Lia into her exersaucer, bread into the toaster, coffee cup in the microwave to boil, feed all the animals, give Logan his cereal and toast, make Lia's pablum and bottle, finally sit down to drink my coffee and feed her and it's barely 7:30 and already I could see it was gonna be a LONG day.

Whew, it's exhausting just typing all that!

My kids and their significant others drove to Ohio for the day. The house that was used in the movie A Christmas Story has been restored and is now a museum and is open for tours. It is something that was on the kids "bucket" list and they crossed it off with that trip. They also toured the Rock and Roll hall of fame as well. It's quite a trip, 5 hours of driving each way as well as having to cross the border into the states. I don't think they realised it was gonna be the weekend of the American Thanksgiving and the border waits would be alot longer.

They were supposed to be home around 8 but with one thing and another that included being pulled over by state troopers twice, and getting somewhat lost they didn't get home til 10 pm.

By that time I was losing it lol Hardly any sleep, Lia barely slept in the day. We went to McD's for lunch and I fed her baby food there, came home got changed and headed out to the public pool. Logan was in his glory! Jumping and splashing and going down the slides. Lia did really well too. She lasted about 75 minutes but it was tiring for us cos we had to stay in the shallow end which means walking all crunched down in the water to keep her submerged or she got too cold even though it was heated. She had a blast splashing and yelling at me when water got in her mouth, she clearly doesn't like the taste of chlorine lol

At 7 pm I had a feeling they were gonna be late and that we should take the kids home so they could sleep in their own beds and wouldn't have to be woken up to go home. Logan was falling apart cos he was exhausted from the pool, crying for his mom and dad. I got him bathed, teeth brushed and into bed by 830. His sister on the other hand was once again my "pod" granddaughter who refused to go to bed and give me even 5 minutes of peace. The kids had their phones off to avoid roaming charges that would occur and I was calling and getting progressively more pissed, I've never been so tired. I was weak and shaky and thank god hub was there to help cos once I'd had enough of my little darling, he took over holding her and letting her watch tv. By that time it was like screw it, she's up til they get home and wouldn't you know it ? Jenn had her down in less than 20 minutes ! lol She wouldn't drink her bottle for me, wouldn't lay down to drink it, had to poop, barfed on me, yelled at me. OMFG I was never so glad to see them come through the door! I can laugh at it now, last night? Not so much lol

I sure didn't feel going shopping today but had no choice, we both needed groceries and I wanted to do a bit more Christmas shopping. This time without hubby cos the gifts were for him. The good thing is almost everyone is done, I just need to pick up 4 or 5 more gifts. It wasn't too bad except for the first place we went to for food. They had clementine oranges on for 3 bucks for a box. So I was looking through them to make sure none were rotting, found one and replaced it with one from another basket and one of the worker dudes started giving me shit and oh boy I was so not in the mood for that shit. So I said it was ROTTING, your job is to make sure they're not rotting so I replaced it. It's my money and I'm not paying for rotting fruit! lol Oh man he thought I was stealing! He said everyone wants one more so this time even louder I said IT WAS ROTTING, ASSHOLE. I replaced it, I don't steal lol Someone behind me was all like hear, hear and Jenn just pretended to be invisible or at least that she wasn't with me.

Sleep deprivation does ugly, ugly things to me lol

It's 6:08 pm and I'm ready for bed. The problem is I'm on afternoons this week and need to try and stay up at least a little later so but the siren song of sleep and the possibility of being able to sleep or if not sleep, at least stay laying down with no one making demands on me is strong.....maybe I'll go read for a bit...never thought I'd be happy the weekend is over but this one will stand alone as one hell of a ride!

sleepy bye time now

Feeling like Christmas

2011-11-19T19:22:00.000-05:00

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas..la la la la la.... At least in my spare room that is. Spent about an hour wrapping gifts and putting name tags and bows on the stuff already wrapped. I'm sure glad I started shopping a while back. I got the nicest, shiniest paper from Micheal's that Chrissy picked up for me at 50 percent off. They really have the nicest paper and it doesn't tear, it's good and thick.

I have my balcony table set up with all the Christmas goodies handy in there because I still don't have use of the balcony. What was originally was supposed to be 90 to 120 days has stretched out to 180 days.

They put the balcony railings up today as a matter of fact but I can't use it til the inspector comes on Monday to make sure everything is safe. But ya know what? I don't think I'm ever gonna feel comfortable on that thing again. The new panels are made of smoked glass and it freaks me out to be able to see through it. Being on the 12th floor..shudder, I just don't know and I wonder what would happen if someone was to get drunk and stumble into it or kick it in a rage, it would break and omg just thinking about it scares me. When I heard they were putting up glass, I thought it would be like that pletsi-glass they used to use that's pretty much unbreakable. Especially on a high rise. But they say they've done all the tests for wind etc and it's safe. The main reason they are using these more and more is simply that they don't rust. So no maintenence. Lasts longer blah blah. I don't like the loss of privacy with the glass either and I'm glad I don't own this cos I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

Anyway.. enough complaining. We bought snow tires for the car, had it in for a lube and oil, winter wipers on, brakes serviced. We are READY for winter lol Got a great deal on top of the line tires that were 55 % off at $135 each. What a deal! It's the installation and new tire tax and regular tax that puts it up but they are worth it, they promise to last at least 5 years and I got a $50 American express gift card rebate as well.

So I'm babysitting tonight and pmsing all over the place...fun times lol

Hubby has gone to get her. I just have to bathe her give her some pablum and fruit, a bottle and tuck her little butt into bed! I got a second hand playpen for her to sleep in today. Kijiji is my go to place for cheap baby stuff. All together, I've spent about 130 bucks and I got a stroller, bassinet, bouncy chair, bouncer play center (like the old walkers but WAY better!) and now a playpen. It's a great way to get baby stuff in good condition for next to nothing. She's growing so fast, she out grew the bassinet and so now I need to sell it to make room. She's a rambler in her sleep apparently, mom puts her in bed one way and in the morning she's at the other end lol I don't trust her either not to do a header out of the damn bassinet. She's strong and could easily pull herself over. At least now I know she will be safe and won't be bumping her nose every time she moves.

Heading out to pick up more Christmas goodies tomorrow. Since I've never had a credit card for years, after getting in trouble a long time ago with them, I decided to go with the reloadable ones. Just perfect for me, I can only spend what I put on there! So today I went through everyones lists and ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon. I love online shopping! The malls suck, this is alot easier.

Well, I better get busy here, hubs and the bubbie will be back in a few minutes. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

TRHPS "Sweet Transvestite"

2011-10-31T13:11:00.000-04:00

AND AGAIN....MY FAVE MOVIE OF ALL!!!!

Time Warp (Official Video) Rocky Horror Picture Show

2011-10-31T13:10:00.002-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!!

I have to add this photo...lol My kids a few years ago dressed as the time warp gang. Costumes were awesome and Chrissy was a ringer for Columbia but my soninlaw Jason was a close second for a Frankenfurter! Not something I'd ever thought I'd see...my soninlaw in fishnets! lol

Cory, Jason, Chrissy and Jenn aka The time warp gang!!

Smoking advertisements

2011-10-31T12:38:00.000-04:00

First of all, 200 posts!! Woohoo, good for me! I have no burning desire to write so this is quite an accomplishment for me. I've had this blog since May of 2009 I think. I don't lead a very interesting life and I lack the writing skills to write about the things I'm passionate about for the most part. Every once in awhile I'll pull something off but I sometimes wish I was better at it, more creative, whatever. But since it's not a burning issue for me, I'm content to post pics about my kids and grandchildren and talk about general things.

One such thing I thought I'd mention was tobacco advertising in magazines. Last week I was flipping through the Star magazine that one of my coworkers brought in and I was floored to see that the U.S. still allows tobacco manufacturers to advertise in magazines, let alone at all. The ad was for Newport smokes and the tag line was PLEASURE. I couldn't believe it.

I know I'm a rabid non smoker now but in Canada, tobacco manufacturers are not allowed to advertise at all. They are no longer sponsors of sporting events. No smoking allowed in jails. They are not even allowed to have them on display in stores. They must be covered at all times. Most stores use like a roll down type of covering. The tobacco companies have to show ads on the packages about the health risks, including people on oxygen, rotting black teeth, impotence, pictures of pregnant women and the health risks involved, how many people die each year, how the rate of cancer is increasing from second hand smoke, ear infections in children etc. It was recently approved that they must take up at least 50 percent of the packaging. Canada was the first country to implement this.

Ontario wants to be smoke free. People see this as an infringement on their rights but the reality is they're killing themselves and others all the while defending their rights. And I admit it, before I stopped smoking I woulda raised bloody hell too about my rights. Now, though, I see it for what it is, Russian Roulette with every cigarette lit. The other weekend the people across the hall from me had a party. We had to put a towel up against the base of our door cos the smell of cigarette and pot smoke was coming right in here. We couldn't sit in the living room the smell was so strong. Now I see why people want to ban smoking in apartments and apartment style condos cos the smell is brutal if you don't smoke.

One of the big malls in Toronto, Sherway Gardens, has made their entire property including the parking lots smoke free. Good for them! Once while driving by I saw a woman having to stand on the sidewalk (city property) to have a smoke. Good, all we can hope for is no more young people start smoking. Perhaps the government will help by giving incentives to tobacco farmers to encourage them to give up that type of farming and implement growing veggies or fruit or something other than what will surely kill us!

I don't know how other countries handle this but they should all do what Canada is doing. The savings on our health system would be massive if there was no smoking anywhere

The smokers help line has a quitting stats meter that I downloaded. Here are my stats:

Smoke free for 260 days, 12 hours and 30 minutes.

Money saved = 2,240.00 bucks (and I bought my smokes from the Indian reserve, it woulda been twice that amount had I bought em legally!!)

Cigarettes NOT smoked = 11,202 ( holey fucking shit eh??? over ELEVEN THOUSAND FREAKIN CIGARETTES?!?!) Hard to believe!

Here's an example of the advertising they are forced to put on the cigarette packages.

So glad I finally quit, so glad I had the courage and determination to do what I had to do to succeed.

Grandbabies

2011-10-30T18:38:00.000-04:00

Love the bow!!!!

I dont really have much to say today but Jenn got the photos back from the professional sitting she had done of Lia and I just HAD to share!

Omg this is the cutest baby ever!

I know, I know I'm biased but c'mon...she truly is a gorgeous, gorgeous child!

She's bright and alert and oh so smiley. Just a joy to be around...well most of the time that is lol

A fellow blogger friend, Chris over at http://dontwannahearit.com/ just had the excitement of a new grandchild the other day and they picked the name Logan as well for him. It must be getting more popular. She's over the moon as you can imagine! Even changing poopy diapers is a delight.

Grandkids rock !

Free to spoil them as we never spoiled our own lol

Baptism

2011-10-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

The baptism went perfectly and Lia looked like a little dresden doll! The gown was just gorgeous on her and she behaved so well in the church, smiling and cooing at the Reverend and in general charming everyone!

Here is a shot of her and mom as we arrived at the church. Is that bonnet not the cutest thing ya ever did see??/ I mean really, how cute IS she ?? lol

This is a shot taken at Jenn's afterwards. Look at that red hair coming in!!!

Daddy cuddling his little lady and riding in Auntie Chrissy's arms.

Isn't the cake beautiful? That's store bought too! They did a lovely job!

Jason and Logan outside the church

I really enjoyed the service today. It is a United Church and the Reverend was a wonderful speaker, funny and cool and up to date and the message was relevant to the times. It wasn't all fire and brimstone, it was loving and made me feel welcome and happy to be there. I liked it enough that I shook his hand and told him it was a lovely service and I want to go back next Sunday. I don't know what happened to me today but I really liked it and they seem so welcoming and genuinely nice and friendly.

Well the weekend is over, my laundry is done, time to get ready for another week. Hope everyone had a good one!

Lia bug

2011-10-23T07:22:00.000-04:00

Today is Lia's baptism. I can't wait to see her in the gown!

It was given to Jenn by her best friend and it's beautiful!

I'm feeling a little better, not great though. This is a virus that hangs on. Finally my boss talked to the offending guy at work to cover up. But not before giving me a hard time about how his hands are tied and he can't "tell" him anything which I believe to be a pile o'crap but I'm gonna look it up. Finally I said to him surely you can ASK him? Surely as the boss its within your right to speak to him about common courtesy and the importance of not spreading diseases? Christ, I don't know what it is about me that aggravates that man the way it does but every freaking time I have to talk to him about anything, he immediately goes on the offensive putting me on the defensive and it isn't til he sees I'm visibly upset that he switches gears... fuck me I hate him and this job and once we move next year, I'm gonna look around for something else!

Anyway, enough about THAT mess.

Here are two pictures of Lia I took yesterday. I had her overnight even though I wasn't feeling the best on Friday, but she slept almost 10 hours so I got some rest. It's funny I never sleep deeply when she's here cos the slightest movement from her wakes me in anticipation that she wants to get up to eat lol

I gave her a piece of toast to gum while I was doing dishes in the morning. It was the first time she'd tried it. I gave her 12 grain bread with a bit of sugar free jam on it and she seemed to like it just fine!

She likes to see someone around her and she squawks if she can't so I usually put her in her bouncy chair and talk to her while I do chores. After she got tired of her chair I put her on a blanket on the floor to encourage her to learn how to crawl for her toys but she soon wore out cos apparently playing toy on the floor is exhausting lol And I was able to snap this pic of her fast asleep. I just left her there and covered her up with another blanket and she slept there for about 30 minutes!

She cheers me up even being sick!

I'll be back later with pics from the baptism.

Ugh..hack, hack, sniff, sniff...

2011-10-16T04:23:00.000-04:00

I'm sick and I'm annoyed.

A week ago last Thursday, I got a flu shot cos last year I got the flu for the first time in my life and I didn't want to get it again. That night I woke up with a fever and chills but in the morning I was fine. Now, they say it's impossible to get the flu from the flu shot because the virus they inject you with is inactive. Not a live virus. And yet I'm sick.

The week I got the shot there was a guy at work on my shift coughing and blowing, spraying spittle everywhere cos apparently he's an idiot and doesn't know how to cough or sneeze into his sleeve. I complained to my boss to talk to this guy and stress the importance of personal health responsibility. I even mentioned to the health and safety coordinator to have another meeting on the importance of personal hygiene during cold and flu season. I took hand sanitizer in to work, I wiped down the computers, all the tools and then wiped them again with the sanitizer, all to no avail cos I got the fucking illness anyway! Piss me off. These guys are such pigs.

So yesterday I had no choice but to watch the kids while hubby took their mom grocery shopping. I covered my hands and face with sanitizer, I did the same to the kids in the hope of not spreading it to them. I think if they were gonna get it they would've caught it from me Thanksgiving weekend cos I was more contagious then.

It makes me mad that this guy not only coughed his germs all over but came to work every day. I took Friday off cos I felt like shit and if I don't feel better Monday, I won't be going in again. Cos that's what normal responsible people do when they're sick. They don't blow it all over the place and they stay home to recover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So on another note I read something very interesting recently. When I was at the doctors for my physical, she mentioned that she wanted me to take a vitamin D supplement because of the arthritis in my spine. So I read up on it and much to my surprise I found out that people (like me) who have to wear high spf of sunscreen have a higher risk of vitamin D deficiency because the rays can't get through the sunscreen in order for my body to produce the much needed vitamin D. It also talked about how it helps with depression, especially in the winter months. So I bought them to try and I can't believe the difference it makes! I decided to go off the anti depression meds cos even at 1/4 the dosage I want to sleep too much. Time enough for sleeping when I'm dead. Life is for the living, not sleeping constantly. Like it's ridiculous how much I can sleep and how rotten I feel if I don't get at least 9 to 10 hours. So we will see how it goes. I have the pills still in case but the vitamin D seems to be handling it .

Well, jeez, its after 4 am, I've been up since 3 cos I coughed myself awake and cos I napped late Saturday aft I wasn't tired. But now I'm bored lol
Read all the updates in reader, caught up on Facebook, read about this occupy the world thing, bitched on my blog .....what else is there to do at 420 am????lol

Simon's Cat 'Fly Guy'

2011-10-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

Hey Geraldine, perhaps Mr. Ched will like this video seeing as he is also a fearless bug warrior!! lol

Simon's Cat in 'Double Trouble'

2011-10-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

Simon's cat has met his match!!

Anniversaries, the good and the bad

2011-10-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

We'll start off with the good.

Today marks 8 months without a cigarette for me!

It's an achievment I never thought I'd be able to do. It gets easier and easier, although the smell of it makes me want to gag. I just wish I could be one of those that it doesn't bother cos although most people don't smoke anymore, alot still do and the smell off them is revolting. I can't sit near them on the bus or at work. I've noticed lately that it gives me a pain in the front of my forehead when I have to smell it and this feeling of tiredness is the closest I can come to describing how it makes me feel.

But it's all good and I'm so very glad I took the step to quit once and for all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This next anniversary is not so good. Today marks the day my sister died.

She was 44 years old.

She left behind 3 children and one grandchild.

I have very few pics of her and even less on the computer. I need to scan in the photos that I do have. While looking through what is on facebook I came across 2 pics of her.

The first is one that was taken at our family picnic in 2006, less than 3 months before she passed away.

She's the one sitting on the left in a spaghetti strap top. It was the first picnic she'd come to. And the last as it turned out.

The next one is of me and her taken in the basement of our parents home when we were about 15 and 16 maybe.

Rest in peace Lori

Love and miss you.

Sept 30, 1962 to Oct 13, 2006

Cats!

2011-10-12T11:12:00.000-04:00

Here are the pics requested Geraldine. Don't mind the poor quality, it's not the camera in the iPhone that sucks, it's my skills. lol

The first one is of Chloe who is a bit camera shy and it's hard to get a good pic of her. Funny since she's the biggest pat whore ya ever did see and will rub up against anyone in the hopes of pats. She's a funny little thing, she drools while kneading and her favorite spot is on dad's lap. I have to keep up with their nails though cos they're like needles and poor ole dad has some sensitive spots lol

The is my Phoebes, she's mommy's girl big time. She pesters me constantly for pats and lovies. She loves being brushed and will even tolerate being wetted down. She loves it when I chase her around with wet hands to rub on her, she doesn't try to get away too hard! lol

They took over the bassinet! So I put an old comforter in there for them to lie on and when Lia comes over I take it out and put in hair free blankies so she doesn't choke on cat hair. Both cats have medium length hair and both shed bad. Chloe drops bits of hair just walkin by lol

But of course I couldn't let an opportunity go by to post yet another pic of my Lia-bug lol We babysat Saturday night so the kids could go out for dinner and when they came home Jenn gave her a bath and got her ready for the last feeding. She looks so bloody cute all wrapped up in her thick hoodie towel!

Menopause- The Disney way

2011-10-12T08:56:00.000-04:00

The only one that was left out was Weepy. Lol

Saw this at the gym and thought it was hilarious. Apparently they did too cos it's been printed out and framed and up on the wall!

Post Thanksgiving post

2011-10-10T17:58:00.000-04:00

We had a lovely dinner. The weather was perfect shorts weather and we took advantage and went to the park to play Frisbee. The turkey was yummier than usual and the ice cream cake and pie was fabulous!

We didn't get to meet my brothers new friend and I wasn't even sure I wanted to talk about it but then I thought why not. She couldn't come because she was in jail of all things. Jail. Christ couldn't he have set his sights a little higher? I'm not so sure she's gonna be good for him. She apparently missed a probation visit and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest and someone with a grudge against both my brother and her called the police to tell where she was. Nice hmmm. And he wonders why I'm a snob and why I hate to go into the area where he lives. Full of drug addicts, crack heads, criminals, bottom of the barrel people. The kinda place you don't even like to park in for long and when ya do, you roll up the windows and lock the doors and never, never make eye contact with ANYONE. He was in fine form and had to be told by hubs and my soninlaw to cool off cos he's crazy when he's angry. I never understand why people like him and my dad ever drank. It doesn't make them happy, on the contrary it makes them angry and mean and argumentative.

My concern is if she's still in trouble at 33 for fighting in bars and doing enough harm to someone to be charged with assault and put on probation in the first place, just exactly what type of person is she? STILL fighting in your 30's or even at all for that matter? Clearly she has some serious issues but you can't tell my brother anything. When hubs pointed out that he shouldn't blame the cops for doing their job but that this girl should know better than to dick around with her probation rules, he got told to fuck off. Where upon hubs told him, "Don't tell me to fuck off or I'll put ya outta the car" lol

It coulda turned into a bad day but my brother managed to hold it together. It's the worst I've seen him in a long time, angry, okay I guess I understand that but it was almost irrational, he brought beer with him and with him to the park. Where he chain smoked the entire time. It wasn't pretty. I hope for his sake he sees how bad she is for him but I doubt he will.

On a more positive note however, it was a nice day. The girls made sure they did the clean up which I really appreciated, the baby had a long nap enabling mom and dad to both sit and eat for a change and there are tons of leftovers even after I sent doggie bags home with everyone.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

A week ago Jenn and I tore apart the closet and bought bins for all my Christmas stuff. Today I decided to pull it all out and organise and I made hubs help lol Oh it's great to be this organised! I set hubs to testing all the lights and discovered my big strands with multi settings are toast which sucks but I can hit CanTire or Walmart to replace them. I'm sure once Halloween is done the stores will all be trumpeting the Christmas sales.

Then I decided to wrap the gifts I've bought so far and discovered I need way more paper but more important is the whole stack of gift name tags has disappeared! That sucks cos I had lots but they're nowhere to be found :(

Well I was able to wrap what I had and tomorrow I'll go to the dollerama and get some name tags. Chrissy works at a craft store and they have the best wrapping paper I've ever used so I'm waiting on her to tell me when it's in so I can get some with her discount! I set up my spare room as wrapping room central and have everything together. Next on my list is greeting cards, gonna get those started soon.

Which reminds me Selma and Geraldine...I want to send you cards but don't have your addresses, if you could email me your details I can include you girls on my list.

So, laundry is done, dishes are done, floors are washed, think it's time to decide what to have for dinner...turkey anyone?? lol I had turkey and stuffing for breakfast!! Think I'll have something else tonight, any more turkey today and I think I may start passing feathers!

Lia

2011-10-09T11:52:00.000-04:00

Waiting for everyone to get here and I thought I'd post a couple pics that were taken recently. I love the first one, that eyebrow is indicative of what this little person's personality is gonna be....child after my own heart lol

The second is her and her auntie Chrissy makin faces and the last one is just a uber cute shot of her lol

Gammies widdle bubbie xoxo

'Terrible Tom' the wild turkey causes reporter to lose her head

2011-10-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

OH.MY.FREAKIN.CHRIST!! What a TIT! Did she think she could go PET a wild turkey?? For a news person,she's pretty stupid to not have read up on them. Wild turkeys are vicious little bastards and are not cute little gobblers you can pat on the head....sheesh some people children don't use the good brains God gave em!

It's Happy Turkey Day!

2011-10-08T23:46:00.000-04:00

It's Thanksgiving eve tonight. I'm a bit ahead of the game this year. I just spent the last 45 minutes chopping onions, celery and sausages. I made two huge pans of cut up bread for stuffing, added the sage and poultry seasoning and will let it dry out over night. All I have left to do is cut up apples in the morning and stuff the bird.

Got a great deal on the price for turkey. Butterball is usually 2.99 a lb but one of the stores had it on for 1.29 a pound and I jumped at it and bought a larger than normal bird. It is 20 lbs for just a bit over 25 dollars. Normally it would've cost 60 bucks for a bird that size! There will be loads of left overs YUM. They had the prestuffed ones and while they're okay, they're JUST okay. If you like the taste of powdered chicken soup stock cos that is what it reminds me of. I had it once at a thanksgiving we went to but it certainly isn't something I'd serve to my own family. They want homemade EVERY TIME.

My brother has a new love interest and we will be meeting her for the first time tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. It's been about 6 years I believe since his wife passed away and he's the kinda guy that should have a woman around so hopefully she will be good for him.

The crazy thing for this weekend is the weather, the highs for the weekend will be in the high 20's c and with the humidity?! will feel like the low 30's. Little over a week ago it was down right chilly! Crazy Canadian weather!

Well I'm gonna head to bed, body is on afternoon mode and didn't realise it's heading toward midnight. Have to be up early to get the bird in by 8, gonna take close to 8 hours to cook. Thank god for A/C!

We'll be heading to the park while it cooks for pics and Frisbee and a few more lessons on my iPhone and my picture taking skills with it will be much better! Be back to post pics after its all over but the groaning while we struggle to do up our pants after " making room"!

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!!

It's also hub's and soninlaws birthdays so we will be adding in the delish of ICE CREAM CAKE as well ! I have a feeeling I'll be rolling some of these guys outta here after dinner! ;p

Purging

2011-10-03T09:32:00.000-04:00

This Sunday we had planned to take the kids swimming. But hubby got the chance to work overtime on Sunday for DOUBLE pay and so jumped at it.
I decided to tidy up and before I knew it I was deep into getting rid of stuff.

We are moving in the spring and we really really need to purge ourselves of all unnecessary crap. We will be renting a house with the kids, hopefully with an in law suite which will be WAY smaller than what we are used to. I started in the kitchen, cleared out all the crap from under the sink, cleared the one at the end, carried on to the hall closet, tossing coats and shoes etc in for donations. Went on to the cupboard under the bathroom sink and then Jenn arrived with the kids and the real purging began!

I have a huge storage room in the unit here and it was packed with all kinds of crap. We have lived here for 13 years and it hasn't been gone through. Both kids are gone, there's no need to keep all this ' just in case '. They don't want it and neither do I. Jenn is a machine when it comes to purging lol She says it's cos she watches hoarders and knows that with her personality, if she's not careful, she could become like that! We found all kinds of things lol Then we started on the spare room dumping the stuff we didn't want, organising, tearing up old boxes etc. The bonus is Jay's aunt has family that work at a moving company, we can get all the boxes we need, specialty ones for mirrors and pictures and heavy duty ones for dishes all for free! We like free!

Once we were done, we took a run up to Walmart to get storage bins. I picked up two that are 136 L. Huge bins, should be perfect for all my Christmas decorations. Instead of having 12 boxes of stuff, I'll be able to have it all organised nicely into 2 bins.

I'm not done, not even close but we made a huge dent in it. I have 3 more closets to go through. Much smaller ones than the storage closet but we have a long way to go to pare it down to manageable moving size.

Next on the agenda is clearing out all unnecessary dishes and utensils in the kitchen and all the multiples of serving dishes I have. Really, how many does one need?? lol

I should go have my shower, get these dishes done and start sorting my Christmas stuff. Now that the closet isn't a mess and all my holiday stuff is in the same place, it will be a breeze to go through it all.

Can't wait to start decorating for the holidays...it's too early yet...isn't it?? ;)

Oh, just odds and sods.....

2011-10-01T08:27:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to what felt like winter! It's 8 c or 46 f! All my windows were open, it was freezing in here lol So, I closed everything up and made myself a winter breakfast. Apples and cinnamon oatmeal and an egg on an English muffin. Warm and delicious comfort food.

I'm glad it's getting cooler. I've had allergy attacks for the first time ever. The kind of attacks that start in July and don't end til the first frost. It's very strange as I've never had allergies in the past. One thing I did read or hear somewhere was that smoking, burns off all the little hair follicles in your nose, since I don't smoke, the hairs have all grown back and EVERYTHING irritates my sinuses now. I will have 8 months of being smoke free on the 13th of Oct.!!!

October 13 though, is also the anniversary of my sisters death. Yesterday would have been her 49th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone 5 years already. I miss them all, my parents and my sis and my brothers health isn't that good and I wonder how much longer he has. It's sad and depressing but I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. It's always going to be sad, I'm always going to miss them terribly but life goes on and I want to live it. I never want to be one of those people who wallow in the "what if's" ya know. We only get one kick at the can in this life and I want to enjoy it as much as humanly possible. I want to be able to laugh and have fun, enjoy my kids and grand kids and not dwell on the past and the 'could have beens". We can't change the past, we can't affect it and so we have to leave it where it belongs. In the past.

Good news health wise. Did the colon cancer testing now that I'm 50. My doc said," You can either have a colonoscopy OR you can do the fecal matter testing." I chose the fecal matter testing lol It's gross to have to take samples of your poop and smear it on the testing paper BUT I'd think it would be even grosser to be the person who opens THOSE babies at the lab and does the test on them for cancer lol Everything came back normal, my mammogram came back normal, all my blood work is good, the only downside is this 15 pounds I put on that refuses to budge off me regardless of the exercise I do. But I'm still way healthier for not smoking and being 15 pounds heavier than I ever was while smoking.

One of the things I did find out is that I have arthritis in the lower part of my spine, it's affecting the nerve there and I had some issues with my leg and foot on that side. My doc recommended that I see a chiropodist and get orthotics made to see if that would help take the pressure off. Well, I went and because my arches are almost completely collapsed, I'm a good candidate for them. So they were made and I've been wearing them for the past 3 days and omg I cannot believe the difference they make! I balked at the thought of paying out 550 bucks for these but they were worth every penny! No more pain in my hip, no more numbness, they force me to walk balanced and I feel so much better! Best part of all is I'll get almost all of it back through hubs and my insurances through work so while I had to fork it out at least I'll be reimbursed!

A friend of the family passed away after battling lung cancer. He was 73 but trim and fit and could've lived another 20 years. It only took 10 months to kill him. He was diagnosed with stage 3 then and he passed away a couple of weeks ago. We went to his funeral. He was a Catholic, though somewhat lapsed. It's the first time we have ever been to a Catholic funeral and I sure hope what we saw wasn't the norm. The priest, well, I wasn't impressed at all. In the eulogy he referred to the deceased as "not a very good Catholic or churchgoer", he glared at the organist when she made a mistake and for the most part acted as though all this was just slightly beneath him, his nose in the air, glaring at the mourners who didn't quite live up to his standards of attire (there were some people in jeans and very casual wear.), he was what my hubs would call rotundo and I whispered to Jenn that it looked to me like his sin was GLUTTONY. I swear he looked 8 months pregnant under the robe thing (don't know what it's called) he was wearing. Perhaps it's because my friend didn't actually belong to that church but seeing as he was a baptised Catholic that didn't commit suicide, the priest had no choice but to accommodate him, but he made it crystal clear he wasn't happy about it at all. I really hope that he's not the norm.

We are going to have Lia baptised in the United Church, same place Logan was baptised. The difference between the two churches is like night and day. The Catholic church is rigid and unforgiving and the United Church is open and welcoming. I know which one I'd pick.

I finally upgraded my phone and am now the proud owner of an iPhone 4!! I've never had a cool phone but I've been thinking about this for a couple months and then my carrier was offering an awesome deal so I finally went for it. And OMG is it COOL! lol I'm like a total geeky newb driving everyone mad with a zillion questions. Internet at my fingertips where ever I may be, all these awesome apps I'm discovering all the time, I'm having a blast with it! Now I find myself saying, "There's an app for that! " lol

So, Thanksgiving is next Monday...already. Soon Christmas will be upon us. I got an early start and got one of my soninlaws already done, Lia is done, part of the other soninlaw is done. I got a few small things for gift bags. Last year I didn't bother with gift bags, money was tight, I waited too late to start etc etc but it didn't feel the same so this time I started picking stuff up in August! I love having this done ahead of time, it makes me feel all accomplished and everything lol It's a lot more relaxing too, the pressure is off. If there is one thing I hate it's leaving it til the last minute, the last week, or Christmas eve, cos where's the fun in that? Desperately trying to cram all the shopping into a day or two and then feeling totally let down Christmas day. I'm picking up wrapping paper this weekend, the local dollerama already has Christmas wrap and decorations out so I can get the stuff I bought wrapped and listed. It's wonderful to feel this in control and organised!

Well this turned into a novel lol I haven't posted in forever. I just never have the time anymore. Weekends are for seeing the kids and muh bubbies and during the week , meh, can't be bothered lol

Hopefully I'll be able to post some cool pics now that I have an AWESOME CAMERA APP on muh phone!* hahaha

* If I was brave enough, I woulda posted a pic of the woman on the bus beside me the other day who was DROOLING while she slept. Instead I contented myself by bitching about it on Facebook lol

Judy Collins - Someday Soon [Very Good quality] (Great song)

2011-09-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

Just cos we heard this on the station 740 AM that hubs has started listening to cos it keeps him calm while he's behind the wheel all day. Had to go to you tube cos he couldn't remember the name of the artist. He thought it was Cisely Tyson at first. Turns out her and her hub Ian did this song with Judy Collins.It always surprises me when hubs knows music that I don't. lol Tv, yea he knows way more but he does know his 60's music as well!

Labour day and birthdays

2011-09-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

Sunday we had a birthday party for Logan and Jenn at our place. It was originally supposed to be at her place but it was so freaking hot and humid on Sunday we opted to have it here. The only problem with that is this place is small and we still don't have use of our balcony. And there are smokers. So, I thought ok I'll set up the spare room as a smoking room figuring how bad could it be right? I had a fan going full blast, window open, a motion scent sniper that goes off every 15 minutes and a bottle of febreeze handy.

It was BAD. Like really really bad. It took 2 days to air the place out. Thank goodness it was downright chilly on Monday and I was able to open all the windows. I had to spray febreeze all over the carpet in that room and my room, stripped my bed of the all the sheets and blankets and washed them yesterday. The smell was just unreal.

The main thing though? In no way did it make me want to smoke and I was really afraid of that happening. All it did is make me wanna puke lol

So we took a ton of pictures and I'm posting some of them here. The one person who is noticebly absent is Jenn's motherinlaw who once again ruined a gathering for her son. Why do mothers DO this??? She didn't like Jenn and right from the start said if you don't stop seeing her you have to get out. What did that do? It drove him right into her arms and he lived here. She does this at almost every family gathering. She doesn't like me or Jenn, she never calls her up to say can I see the baby, can I watch the baby or I'm coming over to see the baby. No she calls and leaves these passive aggressive messages saying things like "Hello, it's your mother, you know, the one who never gets to see her grandchildren." She didn't show up at her own grandson's picnic, the one we have every year to celebrate the fact he didn't die in that fall, doesn't show at his birthday. The only reason his dad showed up was cos his own brother and his wife were coming and I guess Ken has enough shame to realise how bad it would look if he didn't show but Allen did. It pisses me off and breaks my heart for Jason cos I know how much this hurts him.

Been there done that with my hub's side of the family and what they don't realise is the grandchildren grow up to not give a damn about the grandparents and then in their later years when they want to see them the grandchildren say fuck you, where were you when I needed you?

Ok enough about that nasty situation. We had a good time despite her, lots of laughter and chatter and I'm glad his uncle Allen and aunt Sharon care enough to come and they can see for themselves that we are not horrible people.

The icecream cake that Jenn got for her and Logan.

Hubby holding his little Lia bug

Lia laughing at auntie Chrissy taking her pic!

Me and the birthday girlie

Logan blowing out his candles

Lia playing with/eating her blankie and laughing cos she got caught mid chew!

Me, Jason and Logan, my fave boyos in the whole wide world
(surprised the chair held us all without collapsing!)

                                                    Sisters!!!
                               (Love Chrissy's new red bobbed 'do!)

Uncle Allen snatching a baby smooch!

The cool peg board I got Logan for his birthday when we were at the C.N.E.
(he loves Thomas!)

Cousin Alex who was finally persuaded to remove his shades for the pic!
                                                 (He's shy)


                                        Jason's brother Rob
                          (who does come to family things all the time!)

Me and my bubbie

Jason's dad Ken with Lia

The next time Dawn starts bitching about the fact there are no pictures of her and the grandchildren, I'm gonna let her have it both barrels.

Next thing to plan for is the christening. Probably be sometime in late October, possibly early November depending on the churchs scheduale. Jenn has a gorgeous christening gown for Lia. I can't wait to see her in it!

Hope everyone had a nice Labour day weekend!

( I'm sure Jenn was kicking up her heels and singing "it's the most wonderful time of the year"as she put Logan on the school bus for the first day back!!! lol)

Some of my favorite philosophies of life

2011-09-03T08:59:00.000-04:00

I've seen some interesting quotes around lately and wanted to share some. One was on my friend Selma's blog.

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. By Henry David Thoreau.

How true. Sometimes we get blinded by what we want/don't want to look at to ever be truly able to see. I left a comment on her blog about how cool it is that little kids look at the world with a sense of wonder that we, in our cynicism, have forgotten how to see. I remember walking with my girls when they were very small, pointing out things like buds on the branches of the bushes we passed by. Bees on a flower, all the little things we take for granted that they are seeing for the very first time. Baby Lia is fascinated by the swirling design on my bathing suit and she stares with concentration trying to make sense of it. It would be a much happier world if we all still had the ability to see with eyes of wonder all the time.

Speaking of happiness, I saw another quote last week that affected me greatly. A friend is fighting lung and pancreatic cancer and another friend left a message on her face book page

"What you think about, you bring about"

What a wonderful message of positive thinking, don't you think? There is so much negativity in the world, cancer is such a HUGE scary thing to think about let alone fight and yet that simple little sentence promotes positive thinking. A belief that positive thinking can help a person overcome anything they set their mind to. I've adopted it into my own life to try and change the negativity that sometimes creeps up. How much better is it to stop the negative thought in it's tracks and replace it with a positive thought? If all you think about is negative shit, how can you ever be happy? Makes sense hmm?

Another on the subject of happiness that I thought was rather apt.

The happiest people don't HAVE the best of everything, the happiest people MAKE the best of everything.

So many times we think if we only had this or that we'd truly be happy. The reality is happiness is not brought about by people or things or money. Happiness comes from within. We don't need expensive cars or homes or the latest electronic toys to find happiness. To me, happiness is seeing my grandchildren smiling and happy. To take one or both overnight gives my daughter a break and makes her happy. Playing with Logan in the pool and hear him squealing with laughter. Taking him sledding in the winter and seeing his cheeks all red from the cold and exhilaration of sliding down the BIG hill. It's all what you make of it that brings about true happiness.

Another on happiness and acceptance is this:

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got"

It's actually a line from a Cheryl Crow song but I think it speaks volumes in acceptance of things. The other side of the fence doesn't necessarily mean the grass is greener ya know? Always wanting what you don't have and regretting what you do, is a sure way to unhappiness and resentment.

My favourite one though is the one at the top of my blog.

"Destiny struggles to reassert the pattern that was meant to be"

It's a line in a Dean Koontz book and I adopted it when my grandson survived a 60 foot fall from the balcony when he was 2 1/2. He should have died and he didn't. There are greater powers out there than I ever dreamed of and it's clear to me his destiny was to survive. It also was proven to us quite clearly that something was at work when a catholic priest blessed him in the hospital when he was having trouble breathing on his own and within minutes he was able to come off the ventilator and was trying to wake up. It gives me chills to this day to even write about what we witnessed in that hospital room.

Tomorrow is Logan's 10th birthday and possibly why I'm feeling quite philosophical today. He's here alive and well and my bestest boy in the world!

Happy Birthday Logini my love, gramma loves you xoxo

The Carpenters - Yesterday Once More (INCLUDES LYRICS)

2011-08-29T18:39:00.000-04:00

Selma, this is for you. I know how much you like the oldies and how much you don't want to give up your collection. I remember sitting in front of the record player listening to the Carpenters over and over until I had all the lyrics memorized, and this song sorta memoralizes that time. By the way, while I know Little Green Apples, I'm actually more familiar with Bobby Goldsboro's version. My mom had that album too lol

I love Karen Carpenter's voice, I always have. The harmony they had is timeless. I hope you enjoy this. xo

Let's go to the EX...on the other hand, maybe not

2011-08-29T05:57:00.000-04:00

That time of year again. We went to the C.N.E. yesterday after not going last year. I say this every time but I'm really disillusioned with it.

We walked for 8 hours, looked at much the same stuff that's there every year. The ice skating and acrobatic show was fun. It was done to Broadway show musicals.

The food building, well, it sure ain't what it used to be but they DO have a Timmy's in there now!! Finally!! Decent coffee that isn't 5 bucks a cup for dishwater!

What surprised me I think was the number of grossly overweight people there. People well over 300 pounds standing in line to order deep fried everything. Deep fried chocolate bars and deep fried cola and worst of all, deep fried BUTTER! Like good grief, who eats that?!

We got subs, and french fries were the only greasy thing we ordered. I got a ice cream on the way out and hubby couldn't resist the popcorn! We stayed away from crap like corn dogs and blooming onions.

We were able to get birthday gifts for Jenn and Logan and 1 Christmas gift for Chrissy and hubs got his requisite 5 DVDs for 20 bucks.

It's just, I don't know, it was so crowded, the prices are really high for everything, the hawkers are on ya like white on rice if you so much as hesitate in front of their stalls. You can't really take your time to examine things cos they push you to buy buy buy or you literally get pushed by the throngs of people.

We were both exhausted and went to bed early, only to not be able to sleep! lol Figures, and now a new week starting. I can see us both in bed by 8 tonite!

Oh well, we went, think I'm gonna skip next year.

P.S. One thing the C.N.E. needs to address is making the whole grounds smoke free. Grossed me out big time and people were even smoking joints as they walked along. One of the major malls out here have gone completely smoke free, the exhibition needs to as well. Call me a hypocrite, I don't care. I don't like it and it pisses me off to have to be around it in a place like that.

Rest in Peace Jack Layton

2011-08-22T14:58:00.000-04:00

He wasn't someone I ever voted for, however, you couldn't help liking him for his optimism, his chutzpah and for bringing the NDP into being the official opposition in Canada for the first time in history.

He leaves huge shoes to fill, it's a damn shame he won't be here to follow up his win as the leader of the opposition. Who knows, there may have come a time that I may have voted for him after all. He certainly had a vision and the courage to implement his dream's of how Canadian politics should be.

In true Jack Layton fashion, he left a letter penned 2 days before he succumbed to cancer, full of hope and courage and I thought I'd copy it here for people who aren't familiar with him to get a tiny bit of insight to his character.

The following is a letter Jack Layton wrote on Aug. 20, 2011. It was released by the NDP shortly after he passed away on Aug. 22, 2011.

August 20, 2011

Toronto, Ontario

Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue.

I recommend that Hull-Aylmer MP Nycole Turmel continue her work as our interim leader until a permanent successor is elected.

I recommend the party hold a leadership vote as early as possible in the New Year, on approximately the same timelines as in 2003, so that our new leader has ample time to reconsolidate our team, renew our party and our program, and move forward towards the next election.

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years. It has been a privilege to lead the New Democratic Party and I am most grateful for your confidence, your support, and the endless hours of volunteer commitment you have devoted to our cause. There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government.

To the members of our parliamentary caucus: I have been privileged to work with each and every one of you. Our caucus meetings were always the highlight of my week. It has been my role to ask a great deal from you. And now I am going to do so again. Canadians will be closely watching you in the months to come. Colleagues, I know you will make the tens of thousands of members of our party proud of you by demonstrating the same seamless teamwork and solidarity that has earned us the confidence of millions of Canadians in the recent election.

To my fellow Quebecers: On May 2nd, you made an historic decision. You decided that the way to replace Canada’s Conservative federal government with something better was by working together in partnership with progressive-minded Canadians across the country. You made the right decision then; it is still the right decision today; and it will be the right decision right through to the next election, when we will succeed, together. You have elected a superb team of New Democrats to Parliament. They are going to be doing remarkable things in the years to come to make this country better for us all.

To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

Baby babble

2011-08-14T20:52:00.000-04:00

Another weekend at an end and where did the time go? It's after 8 and I just got up from a 3 hour nap half hour ago. Was a tough week trying to get used to afternoon shift after not doing it for 6 weeks. It always seems like a good idea at the time to book my vacation time for when I'm on afts but it's a bitch to get used to again. I think this job is slowly killing my body. Getting too old for this shit.

The highlight of my weekend though is always seeing Lia and Logan. Hubby babysat Logan and took him swimming yesterday while Jenn and I went shopping with Lia in tow. A little too much to expect hubs to take them both while Lia is still at this very labour intensive age lol Was all good, mom got what she needed, gramma got what she needed ( her baby fix). Even while we were eating lunch Lia was good, drawing smiles and waves from people as she bobbled all over my shoulder looking at and smiling at everything and everyone. We only got glares from a women sitting next to us who was there with her invalid mother whom she IGNORED between glares at us and playing on her iphone. It's like she expected Lia to start wailing any second and she was good as gold, no tears and no crying. Her time woulda been better spent actually talking to her mother instead of ignoring her. Life is short, it's clear her mom wasn't well, she had an oxygen hose on. I'd give ANYTHING to have my mom again and be able to go out to lunch together!

You never know what you've got til it's gone.

I miss my mom terribly, and lately I dream about her most nights. Jenn thinks it's cos of Lia and she may be right. Maybe I dream about her cos she was such an awesome gramma to my girls. Mind you she never took my kids overnight but she was there for them and watched them if necessary and delighted in buying them stuff. Me though, I love to have Lia overnight, I get to have her all to myself and hold her and play with her and watch her smile....and spoil her o'course, it's what I live for.

It's hard to put into words what this baby means to me. Both of them mean the world to me. When Logan was born though, I was upset that Jenn had him so young, all my hopes for her education went down the drain right there and then and I wasn't happy about the situation at all. I loved him unconditionally of course and took him places and kept him overnight and loved on him just the same. This time though it's different cos the kids are settled and stable, there is no underlying resentment, no worry about how the kids were gonna make it, being forced to grow up so quick and I can just sit back and enjoy this grandchild.

Even hubs is getting in on it. This morning while I was making coffee and doing stuff he was holding her and talking to her and trying to make her laugh and he started snorting at her and she was grinning from ear to ear and making the closest noise yet to an out loud laugh! I must try to get a video recording of it next time and post it. She's adorable and I can't get enough of watching her.

Sh'e given me a new lease on life. They come at the best time of our lives. When we're feeling old and used up and past it and then grandbabies come and I feel 25 again and able to take on the world when shes in my arms.

Course I needed a 3 hour nap to recover from having her overnight and that makes it crystal clear I'm NOT 25 anymore lol

I just don't seem to have much time for writing or reading blogs for that matter. I'm so far behind on reading and commenting, I just don't think to sit down and write. Guess it will pick up again once the cooler weather gets here and we're not out running around so much.

And really? this is what I talk about...the kiddies, this is what I live for , it's what my life is about now and I'm sure it's only exciting to me lol Gets boring after awhile I'm sure listening to someone gushing over the baby, the baby, the baby ad nauseum lol

Well guess I'll go get stuff together and organised for the coming week and look forward to the kids coming up in the day this week for a swim before I go to work and a cnahce to squeeze my bubbies!

Sesame Street says Bert and Ernie are not gay - CityNews

2011-08-13T10:21:00.000-04:00

It's freaking RIDICULOUS that anyone would think innocent characters on a children's show should have to have a sexual orientation. This show is meant for pre-schoolers. I'm glad Sesame Street finally put to rest the rumors and innuendos about Bert and Ernie.

Sesame Street says Bert and Ernie are not gay - CityNews

Cover Of The Rolling Stone-Dr.Hook

2011-08-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

Just cos I'm in a Dr. Hook frame of mind!

Learning to live with and beat diabetes

2011-07-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

So my hubby was recently diagnosed to be a mild diabetic. The doc was concerned about his numbers after blood testing and sent him for a fasting blood glucose test. He drank the orange stuff, waited two hours and they tested him again. His numbers are a little high, not to the point of needing insulin but high enough that he HAS to lose weight. This scared him badly.

I've been telling him for years and years he has to stop eating the junk or he's gonna have problems. Of course he just pooh poohed me and continued on his way eating crap like KFC and McD's and chips and chocolate bars etc til he was 50 pounds overweight.

His blood pressure is high, despite being on meds for it, his cholesterol is high, his blood sugar is high, he's tired all the time and achy. So, she gave him another blood pressure med to add to it, crestor for his cholesterol, a diet STRICT in what he can and cannot eat and he's terrified. About time I say. Nothing like a good healthy dose of fear to light a fire under his ass and make him take this SERIOUSLY!

My mom had diabetes and continued to eat crap like chocolate and ice cream, jams and sweets even though she KNEW she wasn't supposed to and where did it get her? DEAD AT 57 that's where. Hub will be 57 this year, I asked him if he wanted to join the dead before 60 club. It pisses me off that hes been so lackadaisical about his health.

For years I've tried to get him to eat stuff like broccoli and cauliflower, spinach and vegetables like that and healthy grains. I switched over to 12 grain bread years ago and rarely eat white bread, now I've stopped buying it completely. He will eat the bread and he's been better about eating the veggies, he just cuts them small and tries not to look at them lol But the biggest success is he doesn't touch ice cream anymore and I've convinced him to eat 0 fat, 0 sugar yogurt instead. He picked up a box of splenda packets and says his tea tastes the same as with sugar and he uses it to put on cereal and says it tastes pretty much the same so that's a huge, huge step in the right direction.

When I talked to him on the phone yesterday he said he was feeling alot better, not so tired and achy as he usually does and I think the sugar was poisoning him in a way. Without it he feels alot better. He's gonna have an appointment with a diabetes center in a week or two to learn about it and I'm gonna go with him cos it's all about managing it and learning what to cook and how to cook etc for diabetics. I'd like to keep him around and with the history of diabetes in my family, I should know too.

I'm kinda glad it happened in a way cos I knew he was heading for trouble but he wouldn't listen to me but you cannot fool blood tests, the proof is right there in black and white.

One thing that annoys me about this though is the price of eating healthy. We eat margarine, the cheap stuff is .79 to .99 cents for a 1 pound tub. It's horribly unhealthy but cheap. If you want to eat margarine and you want to be healthy the Becel stuff that's 67 % less fat 65 % less calories is $3.00 for a 1 pound tub!! and that's on sale! It's regularly about $3.79. Same with jam, the regular jam is about $2.99 for 500 ml. For 300 ml of sugar free jam it's $3.99.

Ya know, in order for people to be healthy and be less of a drag on our health system, wouldn't you think it would make more sense for the good stuff to be cheaper and if you want to eat the unhealthy crappy stuff, shouldn't you have to pay way higher prices? Why is the crap that's bad for you so cheap? This is why low income people are overweight and unhealthy. Although I shudder at the thought of more government involvement in our lives, and if not them maybe someone else, somehow help regulate the prices of the healthy food, the healthier we stay, the less it costs our health system and the less we have to pay in taxes to support it. It's a win win situation and I gotta confess I don't understand the logic behind food that's bad for us costing less than the food that's good for us.

Well, it is what it is I suppose. Let's just see how it goes with him but so far so good, the weight should start to drop off him now. The doc told him lose the 50 pounds and you can beat this. That's given him hope that he can but like I told him, only he can. I can't do it for him and I will not nag about it, he knows, now the rest is up to him. Depends on how badly he wants to live and live insulin free. I'll cook healthy like I always do, it's his choice to eat it and nothing else.

Babysitting

2011-07-19T13:43:00.000-04:00

I'm babysitting today. It's so hot here and the poor little bubbie can't handle the heat so we decided I'd keep her here while the kids take Logan to Ontario Place. Time to spend just with him and I get to smother my bubbie with lovies. Win win. :) Gonna keep her overnight as well and let them have an uninterrupted night of sleep. I want to enjoy as much time as possible with her before going back to work.

I'm such a cutie-patootie!

There's that pic again and I CAN see

the forest for the trees!

                                  Look at me rockin this baby thing!
                      Not even 6 weeks old and I'm sitting up and smiling!

And what was I doing with her you ask?? Taking a bazillion pictures and making her smile lol She soo soo adorable I can't get enough.

She's sleeping like the babe she is and her mom will spit nails to hear this but she's been passed out on my couch since 11 am, it's now 1:30 and she's still not up! She's even slept through the drilling as they've started on the riser next to me now.

I had a costly lesson this week. When we were informed about the restoration for the balconies, we were advised to cover the grills of the a/c units with plastic cos of the concrete dust that would be generated once they started drilling. With the heat this summer, I opted not to do that before they blocked our access to the balcony. Big mistake. The living room a/c unit was not blowing cool air and I had to have a guy come out to look at it. It turned out to be FULL of concrete dust and I'm just lucky the motor or compressor didn't go. He took it outside and put some cleaning agent on it to foam up and rinsed it down. Ninety-six bucks including hst. Sheesh. Today I saw the guys on the balcony and I opened the window to ask do I need to cover it, will they be doing more drilling lol He's like oh no ma'am it's all done, thank god now I can run it and not worry. It's gonna be FORTY-SIX celcius here this week with the humidity, that's like 115 isn't it? or close to it. Too freakin hot to not have a/c that's for sure!

A side note here, my kitties are pissy and sooo jealous of Lia. They're used to having me to themselves and they are not amused at this interloper that's for sure!

Sounds like madam is waking up so off I go for more baby cuddles!

I'm back and with pics of my bubbie!

2011-07-17T08:24:00.000-04:00

My little bubbie Lia

She is adorable and I love every moment spent with her! I spoil her terribly, constantly picking her up, babbling at her, talking like she understands every word I say lol Finally got a camera and I'm always sticking it in her face lol

She is 5 weeks old and except for my youngest, I've never seen such a strong baby! She's been trying desperately to hold her head up since she was born for goodness sake! She tries to stand up on me and those fists go everywhere when she's an angry baby lol We are starting to get smiles out of her that aren't random gas smiles/grimaces and I can't wait to hear her giggle...there's nothing like baby giggles to warm your heart!

As for me, I'm feeling 100 percent better lately. When I went to see the doc she put me on a very mild dose of antidepressants and they seem to be working. I've been on them for 3 weeks and this month at THAT time I didn't fall apart for 10 days, there was no weeping uncontrollably, no horrible cravings to smoke, no anger about not being able to, in fact when it arrived I was surprised cos I got so used to knowing when it was coming by how badly I was falling apart. This month there was none of that thank goodness. I seem to be over the whole "I can't have any more children cos I'm too old and so I will fall apart crying constantly" crap as well. Again thank goodness, not a good place to be at all, at all. I'll just live vicariously through my grandchildren and give em back with a smile and a breath of relief! ;)

I'm on vacation and enjoying it. I get to see the kids more often, we went to Kelso Beach last week and this week we will be going to Ontario Place so Logan can go on the water slides with his dad. Next year will be alot more fun for Lia and I can't wait to take her swimming and start teaching her to love the water like we did with her brother.

By the way, it's been 5 months since I had a cigarette! I figured it out that since I used to smoke on average 40 cigarettes a day, it works out to 6040 I HAVEN'T smoked. That number seems incredible doesn't it? Yet on an average day I did smoke that many and close to 2 packs on the weekends so that's a conservative number overall. With the help of the antidepressants, I don't miss it as much. One thing I've noticed is, when I see people lighting up, the first thing they do is cough. I sure don't miss THAT. I don't miss the constant craving either, now it comes and goes just as fleetingly. I'm glad I took the step to talk to the doc about the depression and anxiety and not being able to handle my stress cos I was teetering on the edge of going back to smoking. I'm hoping that I can get off the pills by this time next year. I needed something to ensure I would stay calm and not automatically reach for the butts while I get used to a smoke free lifestyle. If it turns out that I do need the pills, then so be it. It's a lesser of 2 evils and I never want to smoke again.

The kids are happier that I don't smoke, they are thrilled we gave up smoking pot as well. No wonder I had a hard time, give up both and have to learn how to live with my stress when I used both of those for years to cope!

Life is good, we are healthier and happier and we have our grandchildren to love on and spoil!

I haven't been around too much but I hope to catch up on my fave blog reading and commenting and writing here a bit more often...sometimes life gets in the way and the longer I stay away, the harder I find it is to get back into the swing of posting regularly. Need to try and fix that.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer, gonna feel like 41c here today! Ack! Good thing we have a pool, the lake and a/c hmm?

Rudy - Supertramp

2011-06-22T14:10:00.000-04:00

One more...another great "story" song

Supertramp - Hide In Your Shell

2011-06-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

The first "rock" album I ever owned and the start of my love affair with the saxaphone. I love Supertramp, Crime of the Century is my all time favorite album. I begged for this for Christmas and I played it over and over. It was also the beginning of my love for "story" songs.

Hide In Your Shell Lyrics,

Hide in your shell cos the world is out to bleed you for a ride
What will you gain making your life a little longer?
Heaven or Hell, was the journey cold that gave your eyes of steel?
Shelter behind painting your mind and playing joker
Too Frightening to listen to a stranger
Too Beautiful to put your pride in danger
You're waiting for someone to understand you

But you've got demons in your closet
And you're screaming out to stop it
Saying life's begun to cheat you
Friends are out to beat you
Grab on to what you scramble for

Don't let the tears linger on inside now
Cos it's sure time you gained control
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know

Well, let me show you the nearest signpost
To get your heartback and on the road
If I can help you, if I can help you
If I can help you, just let me know.

All through the night as you lie awake and hold yourself so tight
What do you need, a second-hand-movie-star to tend you?
I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love
How would it be if you could see the world through my eyes?

Too Frightening- the fire's getting colder
Too Beautiful- to think you're getting older
You're looking for someone to give an answer.
But what you see is just an illusion
You're surrounded by confusion
Saying life's begun to cheat you
Friends are out to beat you

Grab on to what you can scramble for

Don't let the tears...
... just let me know
I wanna know...
I wanna know you...
Well let me know you
I wanna feel you
I wanna touch you
Please let me near you
Can you hear what I'm saying?
Well I'm hoping, I'm dreamin', I'm prayin'
I know what you're thinkin'
See what you're seein'
Never ever let yourself go

Hold yourself down, hold yourself down
Why d'ya hold yourself down?
Why don't you listen, you can
Trust me,
There's a place I know the way to
A place there is need to feel you
Feel that you're alone
Hear me
I know exactly what you're feelin'
cos all your troubles are within you
please begin to see that I'm just bleeding to
Love me, love you
Loving is the way to Help me, help you
- Why must we be so cool, oh so cool?
Oh, we're such damn fools...

Where is the real me and who left this weepy miserable version here?

2011-06-20T11:23:00.000-04:00

I'd love this to be an upbeat post. It isn't. I feel and have felt just horrible the past 3 or 4 days. That time of the month, I feel fat and bloated, I can't stop eating, craving cigarettes big time.

I wish there was a magic wand to just swoosh away all this negativety. I've been off work for a week, going back today and it can't come too soon.

I've never been the type that's able to deal with idleness. If I don't have a structured day to day lifestyle I end up like this. It's no fun and it isn't a pleasant place to be mentally.

I think when I go to the doc next week for results of my blood work, I'm gonna talk to her about these mood swings. I never wanted to have to take antidepressants but I have to find my center somehow and even the exercising isn't helping. I don't want to be miserable all the time and the thought of taking pills is making it worse and yet something has to give.

I don't want to start smoking again and I can feel myself edging closer and closer to just saying fuck it and starting up again and its the LAST thing I want to do. It won't help with the depression, it won't help me be healthy. What it is is a coping mechanism that I thought I was past needing....clearly I was wrong cos I keep falling apart at the slightest thing.

Maybe antidepressants will do for me what I had myself convinced tobacco did.

I need to find my happy again, I can't even take a joke lately and that is SO not me.

OK, deep breath (or 10 or 12 of them)

Gonna hit the shower and make lunch and something for dinner tonight and try to get the fuck over myself!

Clarence Clemons Solo - "Jungleland" Live 2009

2011-06-19T08:08:00.000-04:00

A huge loss for the world of music today. While I was never a big fan of Bruce Springsteen I am a huge fan of the sax played in rock music and listened just because of Clarence playing.

This solo showcases his talent beautifully. As I was pouring through music of his on YouTube I came across him playing the American National Anthem, opening for the Marlins maybe? Anyway, it's not my anthem but he played it so poignantly it brought tears to my eyes.

R.I.P. Big man, you will be missed forever.

Summer music and memories

2011-06-17T11:14:00.000-04:00

This is a song I really liked in the 70's. I spent hours pouring through music on you tube yesterday. So many oldies, so many memories. Hanging out a the creek, at the beach, diving off the pier near the boat launches in Lake Ontario. Being covered in sand, sun burnt and eating greasy fries from the concession stand that has long since fallen into disuse. Playing on the climbing equipment even when we were way too old and marvelling how shallow the wading pool was compared to when we were little and "swam" in it lol

The picnics, the smell of suntan lotion, the children screaming and laughing, ice cream covered faces, making sand castles while the sun blazed down and everywhere was the sound of music. As we walked past blankets or cars, music pouring out, teenagers and adults alike playing it loud. People dancing in the sand, singing at the top of their voices.

For me THAT is summer. I'm not sure what year it was but my dad bought me a transistor radio for a graduation gift. May have been after grade 6, may have been after grade 8 not too sure but I looked it up on google and found it!

This is it!!

Mine was candy apple red and I LOVED that radio! As you can see one side was the station selector and the other side was the speaker. When it was closed I could wear it around my wrist. It took a 9 volt square battery and I was forever pestering my parents for advances on my allowance to buy batteries cos I played it to death for a couple of summers. That radio went EVERYWHERE with me!

I even remember the stations that were mega popular 680 CFTR and 1050 CHUM . Both on the AM dial of course but that didn't matter. The CHUM charts we used to LIVE for, answering the phone with "I listen to CHUM" instead of hello, much to the displeasure of my father! Who just didn't get "it" that we may be a WINNER on their contest! You couldn't win if you answered with boring old Hello!

Music is such a huge part of my life. The first few bars of a song instantly taking me back and you can almost SMELL the sound of summer.

Those surely were the days!

Mistaken identity

2011-06-15T20:46:00.000-04:00

Ok so today, I actually got asked when I had "my" baby? We were in McD's for lunch, Lia woke up a bit so I was rocking her and crooning to her and was about to put her in the stroller when an older lady approached me and said 'Oh what a tiny baby, did you just have her yesterday?' Umm yea right...how bizarre. I said 'it's not my baby, it's hers' pointing at Jenn. I didn't know whether to laugh or scoff or what. I mean lets face it I may not look 50 , well maybe not all the time but I know I don't look young enough to have just given birth!

Women may be waiting til their 40's to have children but I am FIFTY...5-0.

I think the crazy deluded old woman was going blind or something lol

Jenn said I should be flattered that I could be mistaken for someone that young. I was insulted to be honest and I don't even know why. Most people would love to be thought younger and yet hearing someone say that just didn't ring true.

Ya know it kinda depressed me in a way. Because I AM past it, (even if I AM still ovulating each month) because those days are over for me, no matter what crazy old half blind women may say.

That's probably why women my age tear up when you put a newborn in our arms. We know we can't have any more, yet our arms ache to hold them.

So we live vicariously through our grandchildren and it has to be enough. We embrace the whole grandparent role and maybe that's why I was insulted by what she said. I'm a gramama.

And damn proud of it! I don't want to be mistaken for my granddaughters mother, I want to be recognised for what I am, her gramama that dotes on her. I've earned the right to be gramama, I've earned the wrinkles and grey hair.

I think I'm having a pms moment.

(Aha! perhaps that's why I reacted so strongly to that woman!)

Kid Rock - All Summer Long [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]

2011-06-15T08:34:00.000-04:00

Even though this a newer type song, it puts me in the mindset of summer growing up in the 70's. There will be more in the coming days I think as I sift through the music of my youth on youtube! :)

Mungo Jerry - In the Summertime

2011-06-14T08:32:00.000-04:00

While blogger has made it easier to add links, I didn't like the way this didn't open in a new window so I took it off and shared it this way instead.

Enjoy this some epitomizes summertime! It never gets old!

In the summertime, when the weather is fine.....

2011-06-14T08:24:00.001-04:00

It's been a whirlwind few days. A new baby in the family will do that lol

I'm on vacation this week to help out as much as possible. Yesterday I went down late in the day and me and her and Chrissy were gonna go to Shoppers and the park cos my daughter thinks she's superwoman. It started to rain and we had to head back. It was just as well cos while she's alot like me in that we refuse to let things slow us down much, the walk tired her out. Short as it was. That's ok, she needs to take it slow and steady. She gets her staples out tomorrow. Once they are removed she will feel alot better. Today is a doctors appointment with her own doctor to get the baby checked out. I'm gonna head down later in the day to be there when Logan gets dropped off by the school bus. Only 2 more weeks and school will be done for another year and she won't have to rush about in the morn to get him off.

Our pool opened on the weekend and even though the air was a bit chilly at 19 c, we took Logan down and let him splash around and practise diving with the rotting fish sinkers I bought him lol It's funny they have such pretty butterflies and stuff like that for girls to dive for and for boys they have rotted fish toys lol

He's so funny and times like this that he's so close to normal, you'd never know he falls under the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Like he jumped into the pool, proceeded to try and swim on his back, came up spluttering and yelled out at us "Oh boy, that was fun!" And yet it's clear he's Autistic, but his speech is improving 100 percent, sentences are getting longer and more complex and yet like any kid he's lazy and would rather point or use the short form for asking. Like he will say to me "One, two gum." He can and has said, "Can I have one two gum gramma?" The 'one two' is cos I always give him 2 pieces and he counts them and it's just become one, two gum. He's so good in the pool now that we don't have to go in with him and keep him at arms length anymore which is great cos Jenn can come here in the summer whether I'm here or not and let him swim. She can take the baby down in the stroller and let him play to his hearts content. Win win for both!

Today I'm gonna try and get some laundry done, the only draw back to being off this week is the balcony restoration is going on. For some reason, the guys doing our 08 riser just didn't show up for 3 days last week. No real reason so they're still drilling and making a TON of noise. I've given up on trying to straighten the pictures on the walls, the freakin FLOOR vibrates beneath our feet it's so loud and disruptive! Last week when they were doing my balcony, my candle jars and flowers in the bathroom toppled off the vanity shelf into the sink, my poor cats were traumatized by it all ...poor babies lol The guys doing the 12 risers were here every day working frantically to get it done before the pool opened. Alot of concrete dust I guess with the pool being right around the corner from the 12 risers. I brought home a bunch of foam earplugs to wear when I am on afternoon shift next week. I don't usually sleep past 8 but sometimes I sleep til 9, not sure how possible that's gonna be even with earplugs!

Well think I'll toss in the first load and get dressed and head over to Curves for a work out to escape the noise for a bit. I can hear the motors starting up to lift the scaffolding so it's gonna be starting any minute!

I picked a good week for vacation tho, except for yesterday it looks like sunshine and 23c to 25c for the remainder of the week!

Hope everyone is having a good week as well!

Introducing.....

2011-06-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

Introducing the newest member of our family ...

Lia Desly-Margaret

The happy and exhausted parents...

The proud as punch hubs who spent the day there at the hospital since I had to work and the first grandparent to hold that little bundle of sweetness...

Big brother Logan meeting and holding his little sister for the first time...

Little sis Chrissy who was so awesomely touched holding her, she had tears welling up and kept marvelling that she was so doll-like....

Moi, the OMG, proud as punch, I couldn't WAIT to get my hands on that baby!

My darling Lia, opened her eyes fully for this pic for the first time around 4:45pm, approximately 5 1/2 hours after being born! She is awesome!

She weighed in at 8 pounds 3 ounces and was born at 11:10 am.

Mother and baby are doing excellent and gramama is in freakin 7th HEAVEN!!!!

Today is THE DAY!!!!

2011-06-09T05:37:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited!

Jenn found out yesterday that she's going in TODAY for the C-section!!

Talk about NO notice lol

Last night spend in a mild frenzy trying to get stuff washed, organised, packed, arrangements made for Logan, all the while trying not to freak out too badly.

In less than 6 hours, her and Jay will be welcoming their little girl into the world and hub and I will be grandparents to a second child.

I'm disappointed that I can't be there cos it's happening during working hours so hub is gonna be there for them. I'm going up straight after work and next week I'll be off to be able to help her.

I can't wait to see that baby!!!!

Will post pics tonight.

This is what life is all about, welcoming in another new little one to the world!

Weird Al Yankovic - Perform This Way

2011-06-06T19:20:00.000-04:00

I freakin love Weird Al, he is the absolute best. It never gets old. Have a look and listen. Guaranteed to make you smile. Next to Eminem, he's one of the greatest poets of the 21 century. ( With apologies to my friends who care about REAL poetry lol)

Baby updates and the fun of being a "domestic goddess"!

2011-06-05T08:48:00.000-04:00

The time is getting closer and closer to meeting my darling little grand daughter. There's been a slight complication in that my stubborn little girl is breech. Last week I went with her and her hub to the hospital so the doctor could try to turn the baby. No dice, this child does not want to be turned and when the doctor gave up she booted the hell out of Jenn's right side in a total temper fit at being manipulated! lol

It looks like a c-section is imminent, Jenn will find out on Wednesday what's in store and when. I've booked a week off work to be able to help out as much as she needs. I'm not overly concerned about the surgery, I've had 2 c -sections and when they did the tubal, they opened me up in the same spot again and recovery, while not pain free, wasn't as bad as some people would have you believe. I was up walking around by the second day, albeit slowly and by the fourth day it was a breeze. She's young and healthy. She will be fine.

The risk of problems for the baby go up when it's breech and you opt for vaginal delivery. If it was a small baby it'd be different. This isn't a small baby she already weighs 7 pounds or so.

So it looks like I'll get to meet her in the next 2 weeks. I can't go in this time. I saw Logan being born but with surgery only hubby is allowed in and in the end it's probably just as well. I know Jenn's motherinlaw wanted to be in there and really, it would've been her turn. As I said I was there to see Logan but Jenn doesn't want her there and it would only cause hurt feelings. She's very private and she would feel terribly uncomfortable having Jay's mom being there up close and personal as it were lol It's OK for me to see, I wiped her butt lol Anyone else not so much.

So she is planning to take the next 5 years or so off work. Her new career is "Domestic Goddess" lol She's never had extended time off. Straight from school to being a mom, living on their own and working within a few months of Logan's birth. I think it is going to be quite the transition for her. We were talking about how the housewives of the '50's were. Ya know the drill, dinner on the go, apron off, makeup on, hair brushed, fresh lipstick, the children tidied and quiet for when the breadwinner comes home. His slippers at the ready, a smile on the little woman's face, a drink made for hubby, a shoulder rub and a "How was your day darling?" routine.

Of course we fell about laughing hysterically at the very images lol

I think she is finding it nice though in a way. No arguing over whose turn it is to do dishes, change the cat litter, empty the garbage etc. She's home, it's HER job now. She was just as exhausted after working all day as he was. Now she has time for the nicer things. They get along better, dinner is made at a reasonable hour, less demands on the both of them. He works hard, it's her responsibility to make sure he has a clean and quiet home to come back to. I think he's REALLY enjoying the role reversal!! lol

She likes not being rushed to try to do things cos even though times have changed and all that crapola, the fact is most of the work falls to the woman. Regardless if she works outside the home or not. So being able to stay home, keep up with the chores, having dinner ready for when he comes in shows an appreciation for her husband. That he works and enables her to stay home for a few years. A thank you to him and a show of respect will make all the difference in how he feels too.

I think men nowadays feel slightly emasculated with women. They look back at how it used to be and I'm sure would like that for themselves but times have changed. Women needed to be more independent and jobs aren't for a lifetime nowadays and you need 2 incomes for the most part.

Thankfully the government is recognising that it's better for mom's to stay at home for the first 5 years and pay them accordingly. It's cheaper that paying for subsidized daycare. I hope the day comes when Professional Motherhood is classed as a job that is subsidized. Better the parent themselves being subsidized than shipping your kid off to daycare and having that subsidized. The child is ALWAYS gonna be better off with the mother than strangers who only care about putting in their 8 hours and going home.

On a different note, the girls and I were out couponing and shopping yesterday and Chrissy was talking about her and Cory getting married!! Finally! It's all very exciting even though they haven't set a date yet but she's thinking about how she wants it and the colours and decorations, where to have it and of course the cost of it all. It will be fun helping plan for it and seeing my youngest take the huge step...hehehe then I can start dropping BROAD hints about more grandchildren! lol

Well it's a gorgeous day out there today. My laundry is almost done and it's not even 9 am. Go me! We are planning on heading out for a bike ride, think we may head into the Oakville area this time. Lots of homes to drool over and lots of parks to stop at along the way. Better get breakfast on the go, hope everyone is having a nice weekend and getting out to enjoy this beautiful beautiful weather!!!

On a movie jag

2011-05-29T21:03:00.001-04:00

For years I resisted the whole movie thing at the theater. Other people kicking chairs, talking throughout, just being obnoxious was a huge turn off for me. Also I smoked and sitting for 2 or 3 hours in a theater jonesing for a smoke was not my idea of fun.

Last year I went with hubby and Jenn and Jay to see Shrek in 3D and that was the start of my love of going to the movies. I literally hadn't been in close on 20 years.

Needless to say, I hadn't seen any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. For some reason, probably cos I didn't want to have to sit through Thor and hubs didn't want to sit through Bridesmaids, when we were deciding what to do for our anniversary, I suggested going to see Pirates. It's a mystery cos I never had any desire to see any of them before now.

Oh, I LOVED Pirates 4. I borrowed 1 and 2 off Jay and we watched them too. It's funny cos alot of people didn't seem to like 2 and 3 all that much. Not me, I couldn't get enough!

Yesterday with the news that Blockbuster was closing most of their stores here cos of the bankruptcy in the states and the fact that EVERYTHING was 40 percent off, we went on the hunt for our own copies of the series. Hubby was able to get the 2nd one, yesterday we ended up at Walmart and got the 3rd one. That was the one with the craziest plot twists and turns that was hard to follow but like hubby says the point of that is to show you can never trust a pirate! lol

We also got a few other movies including a few that starred Johnny Depp. I never saw any of his movies except for Edward Scissorhands years ago. I've turned into a huge fan of his and like Chrissy says it helps hes real easy on the eyes! ;)

All I've done all weekend is watch movies back to back lol Looks like they've created a monster......

And on that note I think I'm gonna get off the comp....huge storm brewing with loads of thunder and lightening.

What movies have you seen lately?

Baby shower

2011-05-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd post a few pics from Jenn's baby shower seeing as I pestered the life outta her to post the damn things already!*

This is the cake that I had made for her. A guy at work, his wife does this as a sideline and we were all suitably impressed with how it turned out. Too cute for words!

This is the diaper cake that her Chrissy made for her. It turned out great too and she made her up a HUGE wicker basket full of baby stuff to add to it.

The mummy to be who is gorgeous in her stylish new hat, despite what she may think lol I just wish this pic included her belly!

The shower was a great success and she got alot of really nice stuff. Seems to be pretty much set for now, she just needs a few odds and ends and 4 weeks to GOOOOOO! Can't wait to get my hands on that baby and just inhale that perfect baby smell! lol

The best thing I was able to score for her was a bassinet. I saw a sign on the Lakeshore about a huge church garage sale that was being held in the rich area of town. I thought I am gonna go look and see what they have. It may be blue and white but oh it's nice, perfect condition and it was only 30 bucks. I also got a stroller to have here that folds down so a newborn could sleep in it. It's in perfect condition as well and it was only 20 bucks, huge deals considering the quality.

*That's all the pics I can post at the moment cos yet again my comp is down and I'm using one of Chrissy's til I get mine fixed. I really do have bad luck with computers lately!

Back in the saddle!

2011-05-24T09:25:00.000-04:00

For like 6 or 7 years I belonged to a Curves for Women gym. I got tired of it, stopped going and for almost a year I paid each month for something I was only using sporadically. So last September I decided to give up my membership completely and save some cash.

In January when I knew quitting smoking was gonna be on my horizon, I started going to the gym in my condo. The problem is I HATE the treadmill. There isn't enough to work all my muscles groups or at least not the way the Curves machines work and lately I'm having all these aches and pains.

I loved Curves cos it kept my muscles in good shape for the job I do and after a year of not going, I am feeling like CRAP. My neck hurts and my shoulders and my hip etc etc etc and I know the reason is cos I'm not keeping them in shape. It's structured so well, I like the music and the camaraderie between the women. Surprisingly enough there isn't the competition between women you usually see, it is more like we are all in this together type of thing.

That is rare, very rare.

I miss it so today I called over to the one I belonged to and they welcomed me back with no start up fee, like she promised there wouldn't be when I wanted to come back and best of all they have the Zumba classes 3 times a week too! I'm going over to set everything up this morn and get in a work out as well. I expect to be sore but I also expect my aches and pains to go away with regular strength training again.

I'm excited to get started and back into the swing of things!

Mother's day

2011-05-08T07:05:00.000-04:00

I will be spending this Mother's day watching my grandson in order to feel like a mom to a little kid again today. Grandchildren are PERFECT for this lol Oh I know I'm still a mom but the kids are grown. Jenn has to work and so will be coming up later in the afternoon. Chrissy will come up this aft too. There are still times I miss them being young, needing me to do for them so I offered to have Logan from 8 am on.

I can make him lunch and we can head to the park, the weather is cooperating YAY!! Gonna be a gorgeous day with temps in the mid teens, it's dry and going for a walk through the Rattray Marsh will be a perfect way to spend the day getting lots of sun and fresh air and exercise. Gotta remember the sunscreen cos this time of year the UV rays are high but oh I'm so looking forward to it.

Having a barbq once the kids are here this aft and an early dinner. This is what I enjoy, having the kids all here once again. As much as I love the empty nest thing now, I still miss the years when they were small and the rush rush of doing stuff for them and with them.

But I got my happy back after being in the gym yesterday and it makes me appreciate that I do indeed have them. That we have a wonderful relationship. That we have fun and enjoy spending time together and man that pays for ALL the trials and angst as they were growing up. That my kids and I actually LIKE each other, to me anyway, means I did a good job bringing them up.

Happy Mother's Day to me, to my daughter who is a mom , to my other daughter who, while not a mom to human babies yet, IS a mom to two fur babies.

And to my own mom. While she isn't here anymore, I'm sure she's watching with a smile on her face to see me doing the same kinda things with my kids as she did with hers, going out shopping together, having lunch, laughing hysterically at inside jokes...You're the best mom, you taught me well!

Rambling on

2011-05-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks 12 weeks since I quit smoking. Three months. Hardly seems possible. In some ways it's feels like forever and in others it seems like no time at all. I've had my ups and downs. Something that kinda hit home happened to me this week and at first I was torn in different directions.

See, I had yet another reaction to the blood pressure meds. I've been on the same ones for a year with no problems at all and then in the past couple weeks my knee felt puffy. Then I noticed my foot was swelling up at night. So I looked up side effects and sure enough swelling was one of them. I went to see the doc and she cut the dosage in half thinking that perhaps I didn't need such a high strength anymore now that I'm not smoking or taking Champix both of which raises my pressure. I waited 3 days for the swelling to go down before I started taking the new dosage. In that time I took my blood pressure readings like 6 times a day with the monitor I'd picked up the other week.

The whole plan was to quit smoking so I could get off this medication. Well to my dismay, it isn't gonna be like that. Without any meds my blood pressure is still elevated even though I don't smoke...you've no idea how much that pissed me off. For a few moments I thought oh my god I quit smoking for nothing!

As long as I don't smoke and I take even half the dosage my blood pressure is normal.

Smoking made it impossible to control it. But not smoking doesn't really help either. I just sat there and bawled, I was so sure that if I quit my pressure would be normal and I could get off the pills.

My husband YELLED at me not to be so damned stupid, that I quit for the right reasons, that I'm gonna have to FACE up to the fact that some people, me included, need meds as we get older to control it and it's not the end of the world and to consider myself lucky that I didn't get cancer before now or be one of those people who have to take a dozen pills a day just to function.

He's right, of course he's right, I just needed to be slapped in the face with reality and that reality is I'm gonna have blood pressure issues for the rest of my life. Also I have seen first hand what stage 3 lung cancer looks like. My neighbor has it and I had to talk to him recently and the man looks gaunt and haunted. He is still smoking because at this point the stress of trying to quit will just kill him faster.

I did quit for the right reasons, I think I just had to realise that with getting older my body is not gonna cooperate the way I would have hoped. I'm healthy and whole at this point and if I need a little help well ....are the blood pressure meds any different from taking a multi-vitamin or cod liver oil to lubricate my joints? Of course not. Suck it up Cath.

I'm still here for this Mother's day, I wish my mom still was. I miss her and I wish she'd had the same strength I have to quit smoking, she'd still be here for me to honor on Mother's day.

This post is a little rambly. It was hard for me to swallow. I don't like weakness, especially in myself. It's kinda mixed up in my brain but in the meantime, I'll continue to muddle through being smoke free and trying not to dwell too much on the fact that as we age our bodies fail us to a certain extent no matter how good our intentions are ....sucks.

Guess I'll go hit the gym for a bit to try and get my happy back. Good thing is, I suppose, is I have no desire to smoke...maybe just a desire to be young again. That's not gonna happen...sigh.

Turkey tips? trials?

2011-04-22T09:47:00.000-04:00

In the end, it will look like this. Yummy!

I could call this tips for cooking turkey but what it really is is tips on how not to lose your breakfast as you prepare the turkey! lol

Ok so I'm getting the turkey ready for stuffing, I bought a butterball. Supposed to be grade A quality. I open it up and start stuffing it, I turned it over and the wing tips are gone...hmmm doesn't matter since no one ever eats the wing tips, but I usually tuck them under so the wings sit closer to the bird. What a hassle without the tips! It took me about 10 tries to get the skewers to hold the wings close to the body lol

Then I notice the feet have freaking TENDONS still hanging out of them. UGH. When I was a kid I remember when my mom made turkey and it wasn't all aesthetically prepared for the squeamish like me and she had to YANK those babies out with a pair of PLIERS for gods sake lol It took all her strength and usually my dad had to hold the bird so it wouldn't slide all over. So I call hubby into do the honors. I held it as he yanked. What I didn't remember however was the disgusting SLURPING noises it made as they were yanked out! O.M.F.G. I thought I was gonna puke! We were both gagging and laughing at the same time and I thought if this was Jenn having to do this she woulda fainted dead away! lol

Anyway it's all done and in the oven starting to cook but omg I woulda been so fucked if I lived 200 years ago and had to chase down my dinner, kill it, pluck it, cut off it's neck, tear out it's innards, yank out the tendons all before I could cook it? I woulda been a vegetarian for sure :)

Happy Easter

2011-04-21T13:59:00.000-04:00

Hopefully I won't be infringing on any ones copyright here but I just adore this vintage Easter picture. The vintage Victorian type pictures of any holidays always look better in my humble opinion. The more modern ones have a cartoonish quality to them that I'm not a fan of.

Here are a few more to enjoy.

This little guy looks loaded down!

Aren't these bonnets adorable?

Ok, this one just makes me smile to even see it! What a perfectly cherub like face!

Hope everyone has a great Easter weekend!!

A Penguin Being Tickled

2011-04-19T12:08:00.000-04:00

Omg if this isn't the cutest freakin thing I've ever seen!

Voices in my head

2011-04-18T08:35:00.000-04:00

Let me introduce you to someone. Someone who is a bitch to live with, who is sneaky and evil. Who DOES NOT have my best interests at heart. On the contrary, this someone wants me to fail, wants me to backslide, rubs her hands in glee as she cavorts madly, cackling wildly whenever she thinks she's on the verge of winning. Whenever she feels my control starting to slip, she turns me against myself. She is destructive and mean spirited.

Who is this horrid person you ask?

My Subconscious

She's an evil bitch who natters constantly in my brain. It's her that says "EAT, you've earned the right, you quit smoking didn't you?" It's her that pooh poohs the idea that I'm putting on weight. "It's only 10 pounds" she whispers slyly. When I start to freak out about the weight, when I get depressed about it, her sugary little voice whispers, " Well dearie, if it bothers you THAT much, you COULD start smoking again, you KNOW that will take the weight off."

Fucking little whore! I'd like to STRANGLE the voice right out of her and if I could I would. This is why we fail when we try to diet, to lose weight, to quit drugs, whatever we try to stop doing what we KNOW is bad for us, that little bitch is there. That insidious little voice soothing, calming ready to dig the fucking knife in and undo all the good we've done.

Ahh, but I'm onto the little hag and I stop her in her tracks cos I know ultimately she wants me to fail! I may end up bawling my head off to my kids, to my hubby, as I pound away on the treadmill hardly able to see sometimes from the tears, but I will be god dammed if I let that little bitch win.

She is gonna see things MY way no matter what! I'm the winner.

She better start liking the taste of defeat cos I'm NOT giving up.

P.S.

( Since I quit the Champix just over 2 weeks ago, that " voice within" has woken up...anyone have any ideas for a permanent "sleeping pill" that doesn't actually require pills for this little hag? Any suggestions are welcome! )

Saying goobye

2011-04-16T08:56:00.005-04:00

I'm at a bit of a loss here. There are a lot of things I could talk about. I could talk about how spring has sprung here, finally, with tons of robins, tulips and green grass. I could tell you about my shopping trip with my youngest for the first time since she was 14 and what a success it was, meaning there was no yelling and no tears and no mother stomping away swearing to never take this child shopping again. I could talk about how my plans for decorating the balcony this year have to go by the wayside as this summer they are replacing all the balconies and so it won't be accessible. I could talk about how it's been 9 weeks tomorrow since I quit smoking, 2 weeks since I stopped taking the Champix and am now doing it on my own. How my youngest daughter has become a 'G' driver. How my oldest is looking forward to maternity leave and has finally picked a date for her last day at work.

There are lots of things I could talk about but I think I need to get something off my chest cos this has been bothering me for over a week.

Believe it or not, I lost a lifelong friend over a difference of opinion about Charlie Sheen of all things.

My friend was bragging about having her tickets for his show at Massey Hall on Facebook and I made a comment that I couldn't believe she actually paid money to see someone self destructing before our very eyes and that drug abuse and mental illness wasn't funny in my opinion. Which started a backlash from one of her friends giving me a hard time over what I wrote. I responded that when you lose a family member to drugs it stops being funny. Her friend said "To you maybe" . I was incensed at this guy, and responded back that his attitude was exactly what was wrong with society as a whole.

The next thing I know my lifelong friend has taken me off her friends list.

Now this girl grew up much the same as I did with an alcoholic father who was abusive, emotionally, physically, and verbally. He beat her mother, he locked her out of the house in all kinds of weather, it was horrible. He was abusive to the animals on the street, abusive to his own dog and in fact my husband had to literally pull a neighbor lady off him when she flew at him in a rage cos he was beating his dog in full view, it was the last animal they owned as the neighbor called animal control on him.

The man clearly had mental illness problems cos people who behave that way are NOT normal. Alcohol is a drug. He had a huge problem with that. The way he treated them has affected everyone of them. All the girls have been divorced at least once with one being divorced twice, neither son married or had children and all of them have substance abuse problems. Nothing major like crack, more like drinking and smoking pot but still, none of them escaped from that upbringing unscathed.

AND SHE FINDS WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH CHARLIE SHEEN FUNNY!

How could my friend think what was going on with Charlie Sheen be any different? Sheen has beaten his wives, girlfriends, animals have died in his care, he trashes his hotel rooms. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, mental illness....The list goes on and on.....How could she find this funny? HOW? It boggles my mind,

I've tried to talk to her about it, she doesn't want to hear it, she won't respond, she sees nothing wrong with it. I can't believe it. She's not the person I thought she was.

And so, even though it breaks my heart, I've had to say goodbye to someone I've known since I was 4 years old. She doesn't want to hear it and I, after losing my sister to being a crack addict, can't take this cavalier attitude about it.

It seems that we as a society haven't evolved all that much past the whole tossing the Christians to the lions and watching with bloodthirsty avidness.

For some I guess, it's like watching a particularly bloody car wreck....which kinda describes Sheen's life in a way.

How sad.

Queen for a day!

2011-03-31T12:38:00.001-04:00

Here I am in all my tiaraed glory!!! I have such a craving for those delicious mashed potatoes and roast beef in gravy all of a sudden lol

My birthday and Jeff Foxworthy-Redneck Fashion Tips Part 1

2011-03-28T08:24:00.002-04:00

So yesterday we finally got to go see Jeff Foxworthy!! Oh I was so excited! He was playing at Casino Rama in Orillia. Orillia is a 2 hour drive north of here on Lake Simcoe. We have never been to a casino in our lives, and I have never been further north than Wasaga on Georgian Bay. Wasn't much to look at along the way, it was pretty drab and brown seeing as it is still March but one thing we noticed is when we went through Holland Marsh, the soil was still pitch black the way it is in the summer. It looked like it had been recently turned over but kinda hard to tell cos some spots still had a bit of snow. That soil produces the best vegetables in Southern Ontario every year. If I had it handy to me (and I have written down the instructions in the past) how to add a link to wikipedia's info on Holland Marsh I woulda. If ya want to know just google it lol The casino was a real eye opener. I personally couldn't imagine throwing my money away at a casino! It annoys me when I give in and spend 10 bucks on the lottery and don't win anything. I would never ever go to a casino with the intention of gambling away my pay check. These people looked like freakin zombies! I just don't get it but I felt no desire to try my luck, it holds no attraction for me at all and I said to hubby, "It's a good thing it doesn't hold any attraction for us. That's all we'd need is one more addiction to add to our list! " LOL You could almost pick out the regulars though. What a life sitting mindlessly at a slot machine for hours on end each weekend! One thing I WAS grateful for and that was the fact that even in casinos there is NO smoking. I wouldn't have made it 5 minutes in there if people were smoking. It was packed! As it was, after the show and we finally made our way outside there must have been a hundred people smoking. I took a huge breath in and tried to hold it til we got past them, but there were far too many and unless I ran I couldn't have made it. My eyes were watering and my throat burning. I really despise the smell now. But it must still subconsciously get to me cos for the first time in almost a month I dreamt that I bought like 4 packs of smokes and was smoking again! I woke up this morn feeling a bit shaky from it, probably cos it was the biggest dose of smoke I've had to endure in over a month when we came out of the casino. Anyway, his show was GREAT! We had a blast! He's so funny and so accurate in his views on people and rednecks and while he did some of his older material that I've heard before, he also did quite a bit of new material as well. I'd love to see him again sometime or see the 4 of them together, Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White and Jeff. Now THAT would be hilarious. I have both copies of the Blue Collar comedy dvds and they would be awesome to see all together. I haven't laughed so much in so long! Laughter truly is the worlds best medicine. It was an awesome gift from my girls for my 50th! Here's a little sampling of his comedy: The fun didn't end with his show though, we got home, rested for an hour and then went to meet the girls and their significant others at Mandarin for my birthday dinner! As always the food was delish and even though I love Chinese food, they make the best mashed potatoes I've ever tasted and their prime rib roast is melt in your mouth delicious. The girls bought me a tiara to wear, thankfully they didn't expect me to wear it all through dinner but as soon as we got desserts I had to put it on for pics. I was gonna add a pic of me wearing it but this isn't my comp so I'll wait til I get mine going later today or tomorrow. I had a guy at work looking at mine but it was dead, power sources gone, motherboard fried, no hope for it but he did have one he was working on and he only charged me 60 bucks! He put in a dvd drive and 2 gbs of memory and windows xp -pro and wouldn't even let me give him any extra for doing it! So that's my job for this week , disconnect the one I'm on now, get the new one connected and see whats what. He even gave me a cd for multiple disk drives! What a nice guy! Well, that will probably be tomorrow cos I've spent enough time on the comp today, time to hit the gym and try and work off some of the yumminess I ate yesterday lol One thing I'm really happy about and that is in the past 6 weeks, even tho I did put on 3 or 4 pounds, I've since lost it again now that my body has made the necessary adjustments you go through when quitting smoking. I have to be careful though cos these newly awakened taste buds LOVE everything and if I don't keep a close eye on what I'm eating I could easily balloon up and I don't want that to happen. I know I lost it again even before I got on the scale cos the size medium pants I bought a few weeks back with the girls slid up without a hitch!! Yay for me!! Ok, I'm off, have a happy, sunny day everyone!! Sorry if this showed up twice in the feed, but I had it all laid out nicely and when i published it was one big run on sentence so I fixed it! LOL

Big Bopper - Chantilly Lace

2011-03-24T00:49:00.001-04:00

I was listening to Ronnie Woods' hour long syndicate show on Q107 last night and he played a bunch of oldies. Brought back so many memories of my mom dancing around the kitchen listening to this on her old record player. Like the Beatles, this music is timeless.

This one is for you Geraldine cos I know you need an excuse to get up and boogie!! Enjoy!

Epiphanies ROCK!

2011-03-23T12:55:00.007-04:00

Well shit, it's supposed to be spring. It says so on the calendar so what the hell is all this white stuff I woke up to this morning?? I went for lunch with my friend Sara and had to call her to pick me up cos it's snowing so heavily and the winds are close to gale force! We had a nice visit, cut short a bit cos of the weather and this is her busy time of year doing taxes. Hopefully we can get together for a longer visit next week.

As I told you before, Sara was my support system when I quit smoking last time. She used champix this latest time to quit and recommended it to me. She is a strong person cos though I find this almost too easy to quit, her hub still smokes. I'm not to sure I could live with someone smoking and try to stay off them myself. Anyway, on the smokers helpline that I follow on Facebook, there have been tons of comments about the book Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. Just by chance I saw it in the library here at the condo and grabbed it to check out. Well....my whole mindset has done a complete 180, it's like I've had an epiphany or something about the psychology of why we smoke. While I couldn't imagine doing this cold turkey, this man smoked 100 cigarettes a day and did indeed quit cold turkey. His words changed me so significantly, I now know for sure I will never pick up another cigarette.

The champix works. I decided a week ago to drop my dosage down from 2 pills a day to 1. I had one bad day on the 3rd day of taking only one and then my body accepted the change. Within the next 2 weeks, I plan on cutting to half a pill a day and then I will go "cold turkey" as it were without pills at all. My mind set is such that I'm not going to need them much longer. I'm past the 3 week mark for all remaining toxins to be gone from my body, from here on in, it's a mind set.

This man changed my way of thinking. Although he quit successfully at age 48, after smoking for 33 years he died in 2006 at 71 of lung cancer. But the important thing is he was able to live another 23 years that wouldn't have happened had he continued to smoke.

This is his philosophy:

Carr teaches that contrary to their perception, smokers do not receive a boost from smoking a cigarette; smoking only relieves the withdrawal symptoms from the previous cigarette, which in turn creates more withdrawal symptoms once it is finished. In this way the drug addiction perpetuates itself. He asserted that the "relief" smokers feel upon lighting a cigarette, the feeling of being "back to normal", is the feeling experienced by non smokers all the time. So that smokers, when they light a cigarette are really trying to achieve a state of mind that non smokers enjoy their whole lives. He further asserted that withdrawal symptoms are actually created by doubt and fear in the mind of the ex-smoker and therefore that stopping smoking is not as traumatic as is commonly assumed, if the doubt and fear can be removed.

He made me see how it is a nicotine trap, that I'm not "giving up" anything, on the contrary I am gaining so much in so many ways, not the least of which is my life back. To not envy the people who still smoke but rather to pity them, smokers don't pity non smokers, in fact they envy us. Not one intelligent person who, when asked, "If you knew then what you know now about cigarettes and the health risks, would you have started smoking? would ever say "Why yes, yes I would". Invariably the answer is a resounding NO!

I'm telling ya I've had an epiphany, I really have been enlightened! I look forward to years of good health. Any remaining twinges of doubt are gone, I am a non smoker and you can't imagine how liberating that is for me to be able to say that. I'm free of it!

Edited to add- I loaned the book to Sara to have her hubby read cos he is on the fence about wanting to quit and since he had quadruple bypass surgery 13 years ago and I'm sure doesn't want to under go another, this may be the thing that tips him over to being a nonsmoker. I hope so!

The Beatles - Happy Birthday

2011-03-22T00:12:00.001-04:00

HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD....I MADE IT TO MY 50TH!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Have to pinch myself to make me believe I did indeed make it. What a relief to have that stress off my back for the first time in 10 years! I don't know whether to laugh or cry with relief. I'm here, I'm healthy and smoke free, I made it!!!!!!!!!

Lost in Ikea

2011-03-20T09:29:00.001-04:00

Thought this was appropriate lol And not too far from the actual truth!! lol

A little of this, a little of that...

2011-03-20T07:37:00.007-04:00

Hello, hello, I didn't realise it has been darn near a month since I posted last!

Lot's of stuff going on, today marks 5 weeks being smoke free! Yay for me!

I don't spend near as much time on the computer as I used to, couple minutes a day reading blogs in my reader and commenting rarely. I still associate comp time with smoking and try to avoid triggers as much as possible. The assholes who hope I fail and take great delight in telling me all their stories about how people THEY know started smoking again once they stopped the pills have been unceremoniously dropped from my life. If all they have to offer is negativity, then I don't need 'em!

It's just like when we stopped smoking pot, the people that couldn't stand for us to succeed where they themselves have failed miserably are there whether it be drugs or cigarettes or alcohol. So I have DELETED them from my life! ( Wouldn't it be uber-cool to actually have a delete button for people like that? Think of what a nicer world it would be if we could just delete them out of existence ! ;) )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday marks my 50th?! birthday. It's a happy birthday for me, not only cos I was able to fulfill my promise to be smoke free by my 50th, it also marks something else very significant. I will be only the second female in the past 5 generations on my mom's side of the family to make it out of my 40's!!!!!!! I fully plan on being the first female to make it out of my 50's in 5 generations too and quitting smoking has given me a fighting chance. So, while some people moan and cry about being old, not me, I am thrilled to have made it this far! My mom died at 57, she made it the furthest. Baring any unforeseen accidents, I plan to be around well into my 80's!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other weekend we went crib shopping and one of the places we checked out was IKEA.* Never again! Everything I've ever heard about IKEA, all the jokes about the maze, how they have magnets in the walls so there's no north, how you can spend hours just looking for an exit? ALL TRUE! lol How very bizarre and the cribs, well in Jenn's words, they look like mini prison cells. Very flimsy and cheaply made and the mattresses are foam. Foam. With no protective vinyl covering...how unsanitary can you get? They also serve food there, that's cos you could starve to death trying to find an exit. The weird thing is although we were standing right at the entrance to the food court, you couldn't SMELL anything actually cooking. Yet people were clearly eating, we couldn't get out of there fast enough, it was all very, very strange lol She ended up buying a crib from Babies R Us, it's a lovely walnut finish and converts into a toddler bed. What I found weird is they no longer have drop sides? You can't raise and lower the side anymore. I don't know why, probably some new safety feature I guess.

*I tried to post a funny vid about getting lost in IKEA but screwed it up so I will post it right after this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went out for dinner and a movie on Friday night for my birthday cos I'll be on afternoon shift the day of. We went to the Mandarin and oh man did we make pigs of ourselves! We do love Chinese buffet! Everything was delish and although it's a bit pricey, was worth every penny! We went to see the new alien comedy called PAUL. It was really funny and best of all it was free! Hub had two free passes he got for his birthday last October and we decided to finally use them. Didn't cost us anything for concession food cos we were stuffed as it was from dinner and so just sat and enjoyed the movie. Was a perfect date night out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since we have been exercising and trying to get into shape and ARE in better shape, we were saying how we wished we had bikes so we could go on rides on the weekends when it's nice. Saturday morn I was looking through the flyer's and there it was on the front page of the Walmart flyer, 21 speed men's and women's bikes on sale for 98 dollars!! So off we went to Walmart to get bikes. We couldn't get both at the Walmart near us and the goof ball at that one didn't have the tools to take the wheel off so I decided to ride it home. First time I've been on a bike in, oh I don't know, at least 5 or 6 years! But the wind was at my back and it wasn't too cold and I managed to make the 5 or 6 kilometers in about 20 minutes which wasn't too bad and best of all? I was able to do it without coughing and gagging !! I was a little winded, riding in the cold will do that but I felt GREAT! Invigorated and alive, alive, alive!!!! We had to go to the Walmart at sq1 to get hubs bike and we had the tool to get the wheel off so he didn't have to ride back which is about 10 or 12 kilometres and involves a lot more hills lol

Well thats's it for now, I'm heading out to pick up Jenn to go baby clothing shopping. Can't wait the stuff is all sooooo cute.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Compliments and struggles

2011-02-27T20:00:00.002-05:00

Last Friday started out so well. I had my car in for the emissions test and it passed with flying colours, my tax refund was in my account when I woke up Friday morn. I felt great all around. Planned to go get the stickers for both cars on Saturday and there's that taken care of for another year. A friend at work offered to work on my computer for free to see if he could fix it so I wouldn't have to spend 500 on a new tower. It really was the perfect start to the weekend.

Too bad I woke up feeling like utter shite Saturday morn! Crabby and bitchy and miserable. Thought, ok well woman get your ass to the gym and try to work some of the crank off, so down we went, spent an hour down there. For the first time it didn't really help all that much. Came back up and got to work on my soninlaws income tax return and then we headed out for lunch at the local Chinese buffet place. By then I was starting to feel a little better. But omg it seemed like every where I went people were smoking and while the urge to vomit when I smell it has mostly passed it still bothered me. Clouds of it outside every freakin store we went into. With each subsequent store we went into the bitchiness came back more and more until finally when we went to pick up Jenn to go grocery shopping I was a snarling bitchy mess! To top it all off when we finally got home in relative silence cos I was even biting hubby's head off, what do I find when we get here? Apparently people were having a party in the party room and there were 15 people outside puffing away!!! Unreal, I was shaking and freaking out for the first time since I quit and I burst into tears as soon as our door closed behind us!

I didn't get it why I was freaking out so bad when I've been fine up til this point.

So, I did some hard thinking and although I want to quit and have no desire to actually smoke and no intention of ever smoking again, some part of me misses it. That's the psychological part that resists change BIG TIME. It's been part of my life for 33 out of 35 years and I decided to cut myself some slack and try to understand what I'm going through is normal. While the pills are a wonder drug , I can see why if a person isn't TOTALLY committed to quitting how easy it is to back slide and fall off the wagon. It works to control the withdrawal and cravings but does nothing to control the thought processes of missing it. That I'm gonna have to work through on my own. Once I realised that, it became easier again to know that I will get through this.

14 days....one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I want it bad enough to keep going, taking my pills twice a day, working out almost every day, and today I got quite the compliment when out shopping with the girls. I was trying on pants and they were rather form fitting, like leggings and I wasn't totally sure and the kids said they looked good and to prove it Jenn dragged a salesgirl over and she said they looked great on me and with those legs I should be wearing skinny jeans!!! I laughed and said yea but what about my fat stomach and she said wear longer tops lol The problem with skinny jeans is they are like 3 inches from crotch to waistband and umm yea I don't think so! But it was great to get such a nice compliment! That was sorta my gift to myself , a new pair of pants ( in a MEDIUM!!!!! WOOT!!!) and nice shirt. Money I would normally spend on smokes I used to buy myself something nice for the first time in ages.

There I feel better for getting all that out of my system. I'm happier at home or at work where I don't have to smell smoke all the time, but there's more to life than home and work and I'm hoping as time goes by it will get easier.

Old impatient me...can't stand to wait, want results NOW lol I need to learn to calm the fuck down and understand that Rome wasn't built in a day!

Couponing!

2011-02-21T07:28:00.002-05:00

I've always been a fairly frugal person. When my oldest was born we were in a 1 bedroom apt. By the time she was 3 it was clear we needed to move and got a 2 bedroom apt. The problem was we were poor and had no money to decorate her bedroom and that's when I discovered second hand stores. We had 3 in the little area we lived in and I used to drag her through them looking for stuff for the walls, anything to help decorate it. Then Chrissy came along and by that time I knew some of the mom's in the area from the school and we traded children's clothes back and forth in an effort to keep costs down. It was always an almost weekly excursion when I would say to the girls , "c'mon let's go poking through the shops" It was fun for them as well as me cos they were content to look at all the toys while I hunted for clothes, books, whatever. I once got a gorgeous swag lamp for 7!! dollars cos it had been in a house where there had been a fire and smelled a bit like smoke. So I took it home and washed it and sprayed perfume on it and it was fine. I kept that lamp for probably 10 or 12 years before I re donated it.

When doing grocery shopping I hunted through all the flyer's, noting what was on sale where and hit up to 4 stores in a 5 km radius in order to get the best possible deals.

I created a monster in my youngest though. In a good way for sure.

Chrissy is the coupon queen!! She belongs to forums that swap coupons, she has a binder FULL of coupons for everything under the sun, she shares them with me and Jenn as well. She gave us the names of 3 websites to order coupons from and it's really gonna come in handy for Jenn once the baby is here cos there are tons of coupons out there for diapers and wipes and baby lotion, formula, you name it, there's a coupon for it.

What I like is getting freebies. Like Chrissy just messaged me to tell me about Walmart rolling back prices on Stay free pads to 2 dollars, which is a pretty good deal right? Then she included the info of a 2 dollar off manufacturers coupon for Stay free, print it out to take with you and there ya go a free pack of pads! Awesome!

Now there are quite a few people out there with blogs dedicated to coupons and I'll tell what I don't like. There is one in particular I took off my reader cos she's greedy. Walmart had Ziploc bags on sale for 2 dollars, a manufacturers coupon was available that if you bought 2 you saved 4 dollars. She stacked the coupons and got 20! boxes of baggies for FREE...now unless your a drug dealer, why on earth would anyone need 20 freakin boxes of baggies??? Has she never heard of "LIVING GREEN"? I use reusable containers whenever possible for lunches and if I use a ziplock baggie for muselix for my yogurt or for rice cakes, I use the SAME bag for weeks! That's just one example of her greed.

One day we went to the local Walmart and Chrissy was looking for dish soap that was a Greenworks product and she couldn't find even one bottle. They sell it but there was a sale and coupons available and the greedy gus' out there stacked coupons and cleaned them out! I think stores should have a policy about using only 1 coupon per item and stick to it. It isn't fair to all consumers and again why does anyone need that many of one item and the answer of course is, they don't.

It's greed pure and simple.

```````````````````````````````````````````````
So, I'm at day 8 and going great not smoking! I'm rapidly becoming the worlds biggest hypocrite though lol I posted on Facebook that they should outlaw smoking in public after I had to walk through a cloud of it on my way into Zellers on Thursday!

The pills make the smell of cigarettes noxious and nausea inducing. I walked around Zellers for 5 minutes holding my stomach and thinking I was gonna vomit any second.

Now when I have to pass by anyone that's smoking, I just don't breathe through my nose.

One of hubs and my new exercise regime besides going to the gym is to do the stairs here in the building. There are 18 floors here so we start at the first floor walk up to the second and then walk to the other end of the second floor and walk up to the 3rd floor and on and on til we get to the 18th floor and then walk back down. It's a great way to get a bit more exercise in ...but...I never realised how the smoke seeps out of peoples apts and into the hall. We know who smokes just from it emanating from their doors. Now I know why they want to outlaw smoking in apartments! The only people exempted from that would be people in detached homes. Semi-detached, condos, townhouses and apts would all be included if that law ever came to pass. I doubt it will cos how could they ever enforce it?

```````````````````````````````````````````````
So as I said we found out the baby is a girl and Jenn was trying to come up with names that didn't sound like future strippers or named after the newest reality or soap star and she finally came up with Lia. So pretty and dignified! I love it and it's keeping with the L'S already with Logan. I think it's gonna be a perfect fit and I'm so looking forward to getting my mitts on that baby and breathing in that baby smell that can make ya swoon! lol

The kids are all coming up for Family day today and I am making a monster lasagna and all the trimmings, like garlic bread and ceaser salad. Hope to get some pics and some of her belly!! lol Will post pics tonite if I'm not completely exhausted that is!

I better go, hubs is waiting for me to go to the gym and I need to get it done and then start making the meal.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. It has been a great one here so far!

Just call me a quitter!!!!

2011-02-16T19:51:00.003-05:00

Hey, just a quickie update. I stopped smoking on quit day as planned and I can't tell ya how happy I am that I decided to do this!

Champix has been a god send for me. I was able to quit completely, no withdrawal symptoms at all. By withdrawal I mean the freak outs associated with quitting cigarettes.

It's odd and a little confusing because I know I should be freaking out and crying and upset and everything else and yet I'm not at all. That isn't to say it's all been sunshine and roses. The first day was a little difficult. Not because I was physically craving them but more it was the habit than anything. I just did some deep breathing and it passed. It helps that I'm on day shift as I get used to not smoking.

I was exhausted on Tuesday, mostly cos I worked 7 days last week and won't get a day off til this Saturday and thankfully it's a 3 day weekend here in Ontario. Family day on Monday. I tried to exercise Tuesday night but I was so tired, my hip was sore and I came back up and had a little cry cos I'm so used to coming back up and relaxing with a smoke and a coffee and I don't have that anymore. Hubs gave me a hug, rubbed my back and told me to go have a hot bath and I'd feel better and he was right. I went to bed at 730 and slept right through til 5 am this morn and I feel back to normal.

According to everything I've read on the subject, it takes 72 hours for all the nicotine and chemicals to leave your body once you stop. Well it's 8 pm and marks 72 hours for me, doesn't sound like long so to put it in perspective; excluding the 24 hours I've spent sleeping, I would've smoked at the very least, 70 to 80 cigarettes in the past 48 hours....astounding really. I keep pinching myself asking is this real? Is it really this easy? It is , it really is this easy with the pills. They completely block nicotine from binding with the neurons or whatever it is in my brain and effectively kills all cravings.

Amazing. After smoking for 34 of the last 36 years, and never dreaming I could do it , here I am completely smoke free!

And as an added bonus because it also works as an antidepressant, my moods for 99 percent of the time are calm, cool and collected. I can't even get enraged by the traffic! I still bitch but where it used to infuriate me now I just say ASSHOLE out loud and let it go.

Ya know, I wonder if I wouldn't benefit from an antidepressant when this treatment is over. Maybe not cos cigarettes like caffeine get you worked up, they both raise the blood pressure. It's a fallacy that its calming, it really isn't. Our brains are conditioned to believe it's calming, that we need it to relax and we don't.

Anyhoo that's my update. I couldn't be happier right now! How bloody marvelous that I am able to give them up!

p.s. Just found out today that my newest grand baby is a GIRL!!!!!! Can't wait!!!! All those cute little outfits...granmama is gonna have a field day!!! lol

Light at the end of the tunnel

2011-02-06T01:58:00.002-05:00

The start to this year has been a real pain in my ass health wise. My immune system has taken quite a beating. It seems I no sooner get over one thing and something else occurs. First the real flu for the first time in my life knocked me down. My blood pressure continues to stay elevated and my doctor wanted to try adding another type of drug to the mix in an effort to bring it down more. I had a terrible life threatening reaction to it and ended up in the emergency room at 1 am. I was at work and around 9 pm my face, lips and the inside of my mouth started swelling up. I didn't realise at first what was causing it until I came home, looked it up and read that I was having a rare reaction to the new medicine and needed medical attention immediately. I drove myself to the hospital, waited 3 hours til the doctor finally came. By then my entire face was swollen, all inside my mouth was swollen. He said what I had was angioedema and that it was a good thing I came when I did because in extreme cases like this, the next things to happen is your tongue swells up, your throat swells closed and you suffocate to death!!! O.M.F.G!

I'd already had a mini breakdown in the treatment cubicle waiting for him and that broke me completely. I could have died had this happened when I was asleep! The fear that has plagued me for years that I wouldn't make it out of my 40s due to the history of the females in my family, very nearly came true.

I wasn't happy with my doctor about this med to begin with. What I wanted from her was help to quit smoking. She sorta blew me off, told me to try the meds and we'd discuss it the next time I came in. After the reaction I had I called her office made an appointment for the following week determined to force the issue.

Cos here's the thing, I pride myself on being a fairly smart person and taking meds to control my blood pressure and then continuing to smoke is the stupidest thing I can imagine! Like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. Doesn't make SENSE. What I need to do is quit smoking once and for all.

But it isn't easy. And here's the thing about me. I am an all or nothing type of person. Much like when we gave up smoking pot. It has to be a forver thing. I'm not the type of person to be able to take it or leave it and doing it occasionally or only on the weekends only puts enough into my system to want it ALL THE TIME! Which is why nicotine replacement therapy isn't for me. It puts just enough into my system to piss me off and make me want to smoke. Been there, done that.

I have a very good friend who helped me through the last time I quit smoking. 20 years ago I stopped cold turkey, It was the hardest thing I ever did and Sara was my support system as she'd quit a few years previous and knew how important it was to have a support person in place. Like me she started smoking again within a few years, we lost touch for a few years and then reconnected about a year and a half ago through Facebook.

About 6 months prior to us reconnecting, she went to the doctor for help to finally get off the smokes once and for all. He prescribed Champix and it worked! She's been smoke free for almost 2 years. The amazing part? She was able to do it with no withdrawal symptoms!!!

Champix was originally marketed as an anti depression medicine and then they discovered that it blocked the nicotine receptors in the brain. They tweaked it a little and brought it back out as an anti-smoking aid. I was determined to try it. Of course my doctor, never having smoked, would rather I quit on my own or use the NRT but as I've said, I'm all or nothing and I went in with the attitude, if you won't give me the script, I'd go to a clinic to get it if I had to. My pressure was up, I was angry and upset cos I'm not a guinea pig, I hate meds and my goal is to quit smoking, get my blood pressure to normal and get off the goddammed meds. My parents were medicated to death and all my life I've lived in fear of it happening to me.

She gave me the script. I was in tears, saying I want to quit smoking and I can't do it on my own. I have to work, I can't be losing my shit on people while I try to get through the withdraw ls. I have a family I'd like to still love me when it's over, I have a new grandchild on the way I want to live to see grow up and most importantly of all, I do not want to end up like my mom, dead at 57. Of course I ended up waiting til 2 days later to start Champix cos first I had to get through a 24 hour stomach virus that saw me vomiting for HOURS...Christ, I was beginning to despair of ever feeling well.

You cannot believe how easy it is with Champix! Granted I'm only on the first week and I have 11 weeks to go on this treatment. The idea is to slowly build up the drug in my system, planning a quit date between the 8th and 14th day of treatment. I am allowed to continue smoking for the first 2 weeks as I gradually get up to 1 mg a day the 15th day it becomes 2 mgs a day for the rest of the treatment.

It started working on the very first day. I was able to cut my cigarette intake from 35 to 40 a day to 15 smokes a day. 15!!! I cried with the relief of knowing that finally finally I was gonna be able to get off the smokes for good. It totally blocks the 'need' to smoke, it blocks the cravings even on the first day. Eventually by the end of the 2nd week, it's gonna make me feel sick and disgusted by the taste and smell. My quit date is the 12th day of treatment which just happens to fall on Valentines day and I can think of nothing more appropriate for the heart than that day!

Best of all it blocks the depression, the feeling of loss, the mood swings, anger and shakes of trying to quit cold turkey. I'm calm and happy, I do 45 minutes a day in the gym in my condo. Sweating it out on the treadmill, the elliptical, doing step ups, skipping rope trying to build up my cardiovascular endurance cos since I drive, I find I'm rarely doing any walking and I feel better than I have for years!

The best present I can give myself for my 50th birthday in March is to be smoke free and with this help I'm gonna make it!

The only downside if I can call it that is I'm woefully behind on my favorite blogs, reading and writing on my own simply because I associate coffee, smoking and sitting at the comp so strongly and I want to avoid triggers that make me want to smoke cos sometimes I'm not even conscious that I'm smoking one after another!

On a lighter note my children are amazing!! They bought me and hubby 2 tickets to go see Jeff Foxworthy live at Casino Rama on March 27th, 5 days after my birthday!!! Omg I was soooo excited! It's something I've wanted for a long time. I love his comedy shows and it is the most awesome gift ever to be able to see him LIVE! I can't wait, it's gonna be a blast!

So that's my update on where I've been hiding out lately, hope to be back on track soon with visiting blogs and being able to sit here for longer than a few minutes at a time.

Back to bed for me now, got a busy day ahead tomorrow going couponing with my girls!

On the mend!!

2011-01-15T10:39:00.002-05:00

Well, lookie here, I'm finally back in the world of the living!! What a week this has been. I've had the real flu for the first time in my life and never again will I turn my nose up at getting a flu shot. While it's not a guarantee that I won't get it anyway, at least it will be a milder version than I had this time. I was beginning to despair of ever feeling better. Yesterday afternoon, all of a sudden, my heart rate started to increase, the fever came back and I felt really, really shaky for about an hour. I think now it was the last blast of it leaving my body. I was exhausted after that and had a short nap. When I woke, it seemed a little better but I was still exhausted. Slept like a log last night and when I woke up this morning I was almost afraid to believe it.... I actually felt human for the first time in 10 days.

I was fasting for 12 hours cos I needed to go to the lab this morn for blood work since my doc put me on meds for my cholesterol. I sure didn't want to go over there while I was still feverish and contagious. She gave me 6 weeks worth, told me to have my blood tested after 5 weeks and make a follow up appointment. I was DYING for a coffee! We got another 10 cms of snow, we've had more in the last 14 days than we had all winter last year. Makes driving rather hazardous, but I just putted over there doing 20 kms an hour. Cleaned another few cms off the car, came back gulped down 2 cups of coffee and had breakfast and I can't believe how much better I feel! Haven't taken any cold meds today but I will have a nap later just to make sure I get a little more rest. Although I gotta say I'm sick to death of laying on the couch! And TV, omg I've watched more TV in the past 10 days than I have in the last year! And ya know what? most of it is mindless DRIVEL! lol

I'm not the type of person to lay around. I'm usually on the go go go. I'm looking forward to getting back into my exercise routine but I'm gonna give it a few more days before I jump right back into it. I don't want a relapse. For now YAYYYY I feel better!

So, I thought I do some of this meme that I still haven't finished

Day 13- Band or artist that has gotten you through some tough times.

Well I can't think of any specific one. Music is a huge part of my life and there's been lots of songs that have helped me over the years.

Day 14- A hero that has let you down.

Hmmm, I don't really have any hero's, don't really know how to answer this except to say what constitutes a hero?

Day 15- Something or someone you can't live without?

Oxygen? lol

Day 16- Something or someone you could definitely live without?

Easy, DRAMA. I can live without that quite nicely and I make sure I live without it. Life is too short to entangle myself with people who thrive on it. My own personal opinion of people who live for drama have pathetic little excuses for lives and have nothing better to do with their time than cause trouble. They should get a job, get a life, get something and focus on their own shitty little lives rather than bothering others with their trivial and sometimes downright malicious bullshit.

Day 17- A book you read that changed your view on something.

I always used to think history was boring Boring BORING! Two of my favourite authors are Catherine Cookson and Diane Gabaldon. Their historical novels have made history interesting for me. Also, just as an aside I recently finished a book that I never read as a child and that was Little Women. To be honest I don't see what all the hullabaloo is about that book. It bored me, it took me almost 2 weeks to finish cos I just didn't care about the characters, they didn't seem real to me and to be honest, I really don't consider Louise May Alcott to be all that great a writer. I just don't see what's so great about it. Perhaps I'm missing something?

Day 18- your views on gay marriage.

To each their own. I see nothing wrong with it. God knows the divorce rates for heterosexual couples is at an all time high so who are we to say this is the only way? Live and let live is my motto.

Day 19- your views on religion.

Oh boy, what a loaded question! I have no time for organised religion. Too many billions of people have died in wars over religion. I am not now, nor will I ever be the type of person who follows blindly and questions nothing. If that means I'm goin to hell in a hand cart, so be it. If others want to practice their faith, they are free to do so, just don't try to stuff it down my throat. I'd rather live my life with the motto of live and let live and do unto others as you'd have done to you.

And on that note I think I'm gonna go have a little nap and let my body rejuvenate itself. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get outdoors tomorrow and enjoy some sledding with my grandson!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

My girls

2011-01-09T15:41:00.004-05:00

This is what I woke up to Saturday morning. The view of the building across the road through the screen cos no way was I going outside to take this pic, the wind was so strong the snow was falling horizontally. It started Friday night on my way home. The lakeshore was completely snow covered and I literally crawled along doing a steady 30 kms an hour. It freaked me out to see people flying along doing 70 kms in this mess.

This is Phoebe, she loves to lay splayed out flat on her back! Here is Chloe, she's my mellow yellow kitty.Another of her in her fave spot...MY chair! (ignore the obvious spill stain on the chair, compliments of my grandson!)They have the coolest fluffy puffy tails. Sisters and are inseparable, which is why I adopted them together.I've been sick as hell the last few days. Not fair, I take vitamins, I eat right, I exercise and still I get sick. Sucks big time.

I've been just sorta moving between the computer and the couch since Friday night. It started at work that night, my head all filled up , couldn't breathe through my nose so stopped at the drug store on the way home and picked up some meds. By Saturday morning the stuffiness was mostly gone but I have zero energy. I'm scared this is going to turn into pneumonia again. Christ I hope it's just the flu. If I don't feel better tomorrow I won't be going to work and will go to the doctor.

Blew my plans for the weekend completely. We finally got some snow and I wanted to take Logan sledding, couldn't yesterday, hoped I'd be better today, nope. I finally got off the couch about an hour ago, did the dishes and swept the kitchen and then decided I needed fresh air, so I bundled up and went out for a very brief walk in the sunshine. It's cold and sunny and would have been a perfect day to go sledding. I only lasted outside for 10 minutes. My back was killing and I was shaky but my head feels a little clearer and I remembered I was supposed to post some pics of my girls.

So there they are in all their glory and I hope Mr. Ched approves! :)

The horror

2011-01-08T15:44:00.002-05:00

I read this on a blog I follow and I believe it needs to be reposted.

My sister suffered years of sexual abuse as a child and while she didn't take her own life, she led a life of substance abuse in a failed attempt to block out what happened to her as a small child and ultimately it killed her at age 44.

Her abusers stole her mind and her body and left a shell. They took from us a sister, a daughter, a mother and a friend.

The horror never goes away.

BRILLIANT COMPUTER SCIENTIST TAKES OWN LIFE

Leaves behind stunning note telling of childhood sexual abuse.
January 08, 2011

(PRINCETON, MASS.) --Bill Zeller, a 27-year old fifth-year graduate student in the computer science department at Princeton University died Wednesday night as a result of injuries and complications sustained in a suicide attempt.What left his family, friends, fellow students and teachers in shock was what caused him to try to commit suicide.Zeller left behind a 4,000 page suicide note describing how he had never been a fully functioning human being after being repeatedly raped as a small child.If anyone wants to understand the effects that childhood sexual abuse can have on an individual for the rest of his or her life, tap into Zeller’s 4,000-word note describing the torment that has been his life since he was a young boy.In the note Zeller described how repeated sexual abuse as a young child haunted him for the rest of his life, causing regular nightmares and limiting his ability to connect with other human beings. He wrote: “My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life…this darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.”Zeller's words are a heart-wrenching testament to just how much a child rapist steals from the child that is abused. In Zeller’s case, what was taken from him was the rest of his life. He had no joy, no hope, no peace, no future but the darkness that followed him everywhere.“This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up. “Zeller did not name in the note who had raped him repeatedly as a child. It was not immediately known if the rapist had been caught and prosecuted years ago or if the rapist remained unknown to the police and/or Zeller’s parents.

This his letter he left.

I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I
assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right
decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by
definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not
writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up
loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've
never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely
draw the wrong conclusions.
My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has
affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I
can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified
and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In
kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified
whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained
social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me
from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical
impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.
This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours
playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold,
plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing
I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or
listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling
dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.
At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never
connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the
darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required
intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming
appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of
computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would
provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up
something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less
of a refuge.
The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime
is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contimated body that no
amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I
feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It
manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or
sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or
constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every
hour of every day.
Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It
makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what
feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and
furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the
control it has over my life.
I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this
hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought
and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk,
unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around,
viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable
to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to
take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I
wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better
able to mask.
Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would
always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to
escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were
the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision
and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen
the way they do.
Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my
situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had
no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but
it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched
alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol
will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my
life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness
will always be with me.
I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he
would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source
of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I
thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or
lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created
programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California
or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would
feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I
did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was
in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change
anything.
I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my
first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness
affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be
separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as
a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began
to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it
is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships
and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about
him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship
in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic
interactions.
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for
a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return
and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome
threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the
more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long
as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something
good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would
envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround
her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.
Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I
thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him.
Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became
interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I
thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at
all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over
why things didn't feel "right". The fact that the darkness affected
sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I
convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college
after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity,
not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept
finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the
answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but
I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I
will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will
never leave.
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met.
Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how
much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be
with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up.
Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had
left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her.
It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me
and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the
darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had
and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I
realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or
only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside
me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of
all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content
or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic
part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as
soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely
that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken
up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do)
even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short
time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with
anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough.
Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the
darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy
feasible.
So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time
limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the
darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of
problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should
have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing
what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever
been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as
well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively
quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another
relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal
connection I could ever have. This wasn't apparent to other people,
because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was
very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was
because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving
and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the
circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in
those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally
planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of
this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing
this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a
possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only
dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one
more person in a long list of people I've hurt.
I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that
were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the
darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my
inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is
that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.
I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.
I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone
about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while
to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they
claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a
few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful
the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be
betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised,
they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels
incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone
and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in
particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this
is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a
friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the
damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to
trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened
to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.
I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need
to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not
something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to
what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of
killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this
decision should indicate what I'm capable of.
So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated
with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically
harming others.
I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has
defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me
the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know
any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart
from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel
fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke
up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world,
living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.
I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a
relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling
the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what
uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with
someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to
give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly.
I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through
the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel
intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I
did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt
many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget
about me quickly.
There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to
leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about
something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.
You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've
seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other
issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was
never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent
a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was.
And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both
because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it
would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of
doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear
stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories
that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor
who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who
thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and
have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling
herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single
doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was
gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live
in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I
realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're
based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a
profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.
People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to
continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't
feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a
temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old
problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.
Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people
have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I
really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day
for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.
I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who
can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who
can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can
experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant
misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a
stronger person. It sounds pretty great.
I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no
longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will
probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do.
My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.
---
I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise
everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional,
dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a
better place when they're dead--one with less hatred and intolerance.
If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist
Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially
when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.
They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for
themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive
by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love.
They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us,
"saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage
of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by
teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.
A random example:
"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the
Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.
If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics
who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child
molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point),
that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by
those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.
Their church was always more important than the members of their family
and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy
their contrived beliefs about who they should be.
I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never
believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was
literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run
by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others
were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is
going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist
but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds
of other examples, but it's tiring.
Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal
ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure
why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like
having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life.
Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should
have never allowed this reconnection to happen.
I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time.
At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly
believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me
very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is
because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since
she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell,
which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going
to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is
much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot
intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her.
Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will
cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know
is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I
couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be
done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a
bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more
acceptable, but I was never so lucky.

---
To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with
all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the
person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a
better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I
never got very far.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another
option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you
can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.
Bill Zeller
---
Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want
people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I
might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to
restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In
fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and
drawing their own conclusions.
Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its
entirety.

May he rest in peace.

And may his tormentors rot in HELL.

Oh cardio, how I love to hate thee!

2011-01-04T13:51:00.002-05:00

I've always been the type to 'need' exercise. I feel centered and calmer when I work out on a regular basis. For the most part I went 3 times a week to curves gym for 6 years, not so much to lose weight as much as to center myself and keep me healthy enough to do my job.

This past year has been one huge slack off culminating with giving up my membership when we had money and car trouble back in August. I started using a tape I've had for close to 20 years called Women at Large and was geared mostly for people who were morbidly obese. I like it because not only does it have a half hour of very low impact aerobics, it also has a half hour of floor work, abs exercises, stretching etc. But it is an hour and thats a bit too long to do every day and it doesn't have enough cardio to really get my heart moving.

So when I went to the doc a few weeks ago she suggested I do 30 to 40 minutes of cardio a day! Yea like that's gonna happen lol She is concerned about my cholesterol and even with the advice of cardio, she put me on a low dose of meds to increase the good and reduce the bad cholesterol. Because I only need to lose 20 pounds, she said she doubted losing the 20 would make a big enough change so therefore the meds.

Yesterday, I sucked it up and did the hour long exercise tape and felt pretty good besides feeling sluggish and tight in the beginning. Today I went to the gym we have in the building and broke up 30 to 40 minutes like this : 10 minutes on the elliptical (omfg sweat?? holleee shit!!) 10 minutes of walking on the treadmill, 2 minutes running and 5 more to cool down, then I did 5 minutes on the bike and another 5 on the elliptical again. For a total of 37 minutes of cardio. Not bad for a start, I'd like to work up my endurance a lot more. But let me tell you, I felt every cigarette and joint I ever smoked in the past 30 years. Cough? omg did I cough when I first got off the elliptical , christ I couldn't believe how winded I was!

Give me strength training any day of the week over doing cardio ...but that's not enough so cardio it has to be.....ugh

My muscles feel watery and weak, especially my legs....hope I can get out of bed tomorrow! lol

Cardio? You're a bitch! Teach me how to learn to love you cos right now? You're no friend of mine! ;)

2011!!

2011-01-01T05:31:00.002-05:00

Here we are, the start of another new year. I don't bother with resolutions, I just hope it will be a good year. Lots to look forward to with the new baby coming. I've already started buying teeny little sleepers and plan to hit freecycle. I used it in the past to get rid of stuff and hope to be able to get much needed baby stuff. It's been 10 years since there was a new baby in our lives and nothing was kept.

Christmas was good, hub went on a wrapping marathon and got it all done in one night, I had Christmas eve off so I was able to cook and babysit and do last minute running around. Got most of the cooking done ahead of time and was able to relax and not be in the kitchen half the time and bonus of all bonuses hub did ALL the dishes that night!!! and I didn't even ask him to!!

Started taking down the decorations yesterday and will get the rest done today with hub and repack everything. It looks so bare after all the colours of the season.

Even though I don't usually take Logan into malls, I had no food yesterday and everything was going to be closed today. Hub wasn't able to get off early and so I decided to take him and brave it. We went to Walmart....umm yea, well all things considered he didn't melt down as bad as I'd feared. The line ups were 15 and 20 people long. It was mayhem so I thought ok I'll take him to the McD's that's in theWalmart and hopefully the crowds would thin out a bit cos I knew he'd not be able to stand in line for 30 minutes. Solid plan right? Yea, except when I went to pay for the food and I used my debit, it kept reading pin error. After the second try, I flipped it over and I had hub's card. I know his pin, he had no money in that account! He only leaves enough in his account to pay his bills and the rest he transfers to me for other bills. He had my card because he needed gas and when he gave me back the card, he didn't check to make sure which one it was and I never checked. I melted down at that point!! I called hub and thankfully he was just leaving work and was able to get there within 25 mins. I was soooo pissed off and when the kiddo went to meltdown, he took one look at me and realised how upset I was and wisely shut up. I was furious at hub for being so dumb about the cards but I was more upset at the prospect of having to deal with an autistic child melting down big time in public. But he did good, I explained that we had to wait for poppy and while he wasn't happy it was no where near as bad as I'd feared it would be. He's growing up and I was reading recently that ear plugs help some autistic kids deal with the sensory overload that comes with malls. Shit, it overwhelms ME. Poor kids can't process all the noise and lights and crowds. So next time we are gonna try it. Sometimes we have no choice and have to take him into situations that aren't optimum and if the plugs work, it would be alot easier on us all.

We didn't end up having a white Christmas, it's very mild. Odd too cos they were predicting this freezing snowy winter and so far it hasn't happened. Last year we got less than a 1/3 of what we normally get and everyone around us got pounded. Same thing in the past month. This area seems to be somewhat protected or we're just dumb lucky? lol I don't know. It's great though. I took the kiddo and dog out for over an hour just walking, it was almost 50 f and felt like a spring day! We even had a bit of sun when we were out. Love it when the weatherman is wrong, they said it was gonna rain all day and it didn't.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday, however you celebrate!

Hub won't be up for hours yet to help me with all this so it's the perfect time to relax and catch up on reading blogs and maybe some euchre or perhaps a nap lol My perfect idea of a holiday!

Meme day 12

2011-01-01T05:10:00.002-05:00

Day 12- Something you never get complimented on.

Hmmm, I don't even really know how to answer this because, clearly, if I'm never being complimented on something that must mean I'm not very good at it and don't deserve compliments? lol

My wonderful patience behind the wheel of a car? My calm placid demeanor? How I'm always on time? How I always think before speaking? AHAHAHAHAHA jeez...I kill me lol

What a dumb question. :)

30 day meme-Day 11

2010-12-21T17:15:00.002-05:00

Day 11- Something people compliment you on the most.

Hands down it has to be the stuffing I make for each holiday turkey.

Everyone loves it and requests it. The original recipe was my mom's. I've made adjustments and changes but the basis of the recipe is bread, sage, poultry seasoning, onion and celery. My mom was from the era of bland but nourishing food. She never used garlic in anything til I was in my teens. The thought of putting sausages in the stuffing would have horrified her lol I add apples and other spices, sausages, I tried raisins one year and NO ONE liked them and picked them out! I've tried adding mushrooms, ick, I'd like to try adding walnut pieces or almonds for crunch......my children think I have a 'problem' with putting crunchy stuff in places it shouldn't be, like tuna salad :)

I couldn't imagine serving stove top stuffing. It tastes like that awful yellow seasoning powdered soup comes with. I have found an interesting use for stove top though. I read a recipe that was talking about all the different flavours that stove top has out, that it's perfect for making meatloaf. Add the whole box to a pound or so of ground meat. I tried it and it really is very good. Some have rice and crunchy bits (my fave).

To me it isn't stuffing unless its made from scratch and the whole aroma just permeates the entire place making our mouths water before it's even cooked!

Now if it would just SNOW.

Let the countdown begin

2010-12-18T05:25:00.002-05:00

There's less than a week left before Christmas! Where did the time get to? The days are just zipping by. I'm not done shopping of course cos I left it to the last minute...again. I was thinking the other day that although there are fabulous sales this close to the big day, ya lose something when it becomes a mad rush because of procrastinating!

I'll do a couple of the memes quickly, I haven't really had the time or the desire to write lately.

Day 9
Someone you didn't want to let go but just drifted.

I'd say it would have to be my sister's kids. Long story that I may talk about later but the short version is my sisters two youngest children lived with their father and stepmother for most of their growing up years. My sister lost custody and eventually wasn't allowed to see them at all. When she was dying we were desperate to find them and her oldest boy called the Peel Police on the off chance his younger brother had been in trouble with them and had a record. Sure enough they knew him and contacted the kids dad and told them their mom was dying and we needed to find them. Unfortunately my sister died a few hours before the call came back from their dad.

At the time I hoped that we could be a family again. There were very good reasons he had custody and finally now that they were grown he had no worries about us seeing them. My sisters lifestyle was very bad to say the least and he didn't want them exposed to that and I can see his reasoning but he couldn't trust us not to take them to their mom and have her spirit them away.

But the years are too many, the girl barely remembers us cos she was only 4 when he got custody. The boy has been in and out of trouble running away, being in jail, fights etc. The same with the older boy, a life of crime and an attitude of the world owes me. I had both of the boys stayin with me separate times and it didn't last. The sad part is they lie and cheat and steal and can't be trusted. I wish it was different but it is what it is. They are welcome to visit but when they realised we are just like their parents, the bloom was off. I do talk to then online occasionally, the girl is doing well working and saving for school and realises she's lucky. The boys, well it's always a sob story of some sort.

Day 10
Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.

This one is gonna be short.

There are a couple of people I let go and wish I didn't know. But I'm not going to broadcast it online. I recently had a very unpleasant dose of one of them that will not just fuck off and leave me be. I've decided that I'm not giving up the control of my happiness, it doesn't rest with them. I won't have my Christmas or my life tainted with their little black cloud.

So onward, my life is better, my conscience is clear and I've learned to let it roll off. It's when ya let yet the shit stick to ya that the problems escalate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I have a few more things to pick up. I even BRAVED the mall people! We went 10 am Sunday morn and were out of there by 1:30. Just when it was starting to get crazy. I'm not a fan of malls. Too many people too much noise and music, lights pulsating to the beat. It's enough to give one seizures lol.

Babysitting all day and hub is gonna make the smoke run. He was supposed to work today but the overtime got cancelled so our plan was for him to take her to work and take the kiddo and dog with him on the run and last night I was overwhelmed with a feeling of doom that something bad would happen and so THIS TIME I LISTENED TO MY FEELING! I have no worries that hub is going, it's only when I think of Logan going too that fills me with dread. Like he will be okay as long as he's by himself. It's very weird and creeping me right out that I keep getting these feelings.

We have a ton of wrapping to do and I still need to decorate the table, just been wiped out with being on days. Gonna head over and get a turkey this weekend. Metro has them on for 99 cents a pound. The place needs to be cleaned now that the decorations are up, what we didn't use has to be organised, oh man this is my own fault though. I need to get motivated and I'm sooooooo happy that A) I'm on days for only the second time ever Christmas week in the last 14 years and B) that we are actually off Christmas eve!!! With Christmas day and Boxing day falling on the weekend we get two week days off in leiu. There have been many years when I had to work til 5 pm on Christmas eve!

Ok off to start my day. Eat, pick up the kids, come back and dive in. No more procrastinating!! The rate I'm going, the big day will be here and I'll be frantically wrapping Christmas morning !! That's one bonus of not having any kids here first thing in the morn! ;)

♪ Have a holly, jolly Christmas! ♪

I believe

2010-11-30T11:47:00.003-05:00

There have been times in my life where, despite my heathenishness, things have happened to make me look at the whole divine intervention.

The quote at the top of my blog,

'Destiny struggles to reassert the pattern that was meant to be', seems truer and truer.

My grandson has cheated death a number of times. This is the child that fell 60 feet from my daughters balcony and not only lived, but had NO broken bones. Who, after being put in a drug induced coma to keep him still because they thought he had a neck/spinal injury, was having trouble breathing on his own as they tried to bring him up out of the drugs. A Catholic priest was in the intensive care ward giving a blessing to another child (who by the way made a full recovery after being at deaths door) and asked us if we wanted him to bless Logan. We told him that we weren't Catholic and he just smiled and said it doesn't matter so we thought why not. Half an hour later Logan was breathing on his own and struggling to wake up.

Did the priests words help? Was it meant to happen anyway? We don't know the answers. Little things, like it was raining the day after when we went back to the apt to get clothes so she could live at the hospital, but for 2 feet directly in front of her balcony, no rain fell. How is it possible to fall 60 feet and be running again less than a week out of hospital?

There have been little things like that regarding him. I always listen to my premonitions and boy did I have one this week. It wasn't anything I could put my finger on but I was supposed to drive to the reserve last Saturday to get smokes. I was babysitting, hub had to work. All morning I had a really uneasy feeling that I shouldn't make the trip and yet I've done it so many times by myself and with the kid and dog. It made no sense and as I was driving Jenn to work, I was making all kinds of excuses of why I didn't want/think I should go. The weather was a bit of a factor in there was some flurries and she was lecturing me about learning to drive in the snow so I wouldn't be afraid. But that wasn't really it. I couldn't explain it. So we went into her store and used the washroom, we get back into the car, as I'm turning the key, I said to Logan "OK buddy ready for a long ride?" And as I said that, the car died.

Zero power, even the locks wouldn't work. I called my mechanic and he gave me the number of a tow truck driver and I had it towed to him. The tow guy tried it, it was dead, no clicking, just dead. The mechanic gives me and the kiddo a ride home and then calls me an hour later wanting to know exactly what happened. I told him. He said when they put the key in it started right up!

They tested EVERYTHING, there is no mechanical reason for the failure. I did however have to replace the serpentine belt as he said it was almost in half!!!

Divine intervention? Would the fan belt have snapped doing 100 kms an hour on the highway with him in the car with me? Were we meant to die Saturday morning? Who is protecting this boy and why? Is he meant to do great things? Is it because of his autism? I have theories about high functioning autistics being the beginning of our race evolving with less need for speech. We will never know. I recently made a comment on a friends blog including the quote, "there are more things in heaven and earth than is dreamed of in philosophy" or words to that affect. More and more I am believing it.

One other thing, because we were strapped for cash after buying the car, hub asked for a small 400 dollar loan from work for Christmas shopping. The serpentine belt, a new terminal for the battery, the oil change, the cost of the testing, and the tow cost me 430 bucks. A small price to pay for mine and Logan's life but nevertheless, it put us right back again. Today, hub's boss says to him, I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's car and that you had to spend that money so we are gonna loan you another 400!!!

Omg, I was stunned. Divine intervention again? Not that his bosses are asses or anything but it makes you wonder why someone would up and offer that. Did someone give him a little nudge subconsciously as was done to me not to make that trip?

I don't know but I'm thankful and it makes Christmas all the more special this year. It's easy to believe in the magic of the season when the proof is sitting right in front of me.

30 day meme day 8

2010-11-27T19:38:00.003-05:00

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

If I've learned nothing else in the past few years, it's more about how I allow people to affect me that is the hell.

So, if I step back and really look at my reactions, I realise I'm playing right into their hands.

We can only be responsible for ourselves in this life, what we can't control has to be put aside. Self preservation. Dysfunctional people and toxic situations are never good and have no happy ending.

I try to control how I react as much as humanly possible. It's not easy. If I can see through the bullshit then it should be easy to realise how NOT to react.

The river of life is too short to dwell on the crap that floats by.

30 day meme day 7

2010-11-27T05:52:00.003-05:00

Day 7- Someone that has made your life worth living for.

My girls. First and foremost.

My bubba, the son I never had.

Who's shining face melts my heart every time.

These 3 are the most important people in my life. I love my hub but these children are part of my soul and I can't imagine my life without them.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

2010-11-27T05:03:00.002-05:00

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to compromise my principles to the point that I cannot look at myself in the mirror. Some compromise is required and needed in life but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I hope I never have to work at a coffee shop again. For 3 years in the early '90s for a Timmy's and I saw people at their absolute worst..BEFORE their coffee and believe me, it wasn't pretty. Minimum wage of 7.35 an hour at the time was better than no bucks per hour and I'd been out of work for 18 months at that point. I'd rather babysit other people screaming brats than do that again, but I never say never cos it was a job at a time when they were few and far between and ya never know what will happen. Hopefully I could do retail that didn't involve serving people food.

Burying a child would be the worst thing imaginable and I don't know how people get through it. It's against all the laws of nature that parents should outlive their children.

30 day truth meme-day 05

2010-11-20T06:28:00.003-05:00

Day 05- Something you hope to do in your life.

My lifelong dream is to travel through England and Scotland seeing things like this,

And this,

I'm a little old in the tooth for backpacking through the U.K. but I would love to visit and rent a car and go exploring the country side. I've read so many books set in England and Scotland and I would love to see it as it was in the past. I have no desire to see the nightlife in the big cities, the tourist traps. Give me the ruins and the history any day!

( I think I'd need a driver/guide cos the thought of driving on the left side of the road would freak me out and I'd be terrified I'd forget and start driving on the right! )

30 Day truth meme-day 04

2010-11-19T03:08:00.002-05:00

Day 04- Something you need to forgive someone for.

Again, if I were a religious person maybe forgiveness would come to me more easily. I do forgive and have but I'm always a little more careful around people who have hurt me.

To the people who have lied to me,
To the people who thought they could play me for a fool,
To the people who have tried to control me,
To the people who have treated me like I'm stupid,
To the people that made me scream with frustration,
To the people that tried to make THEIR agendas mine,
To the people who just don't get the whole 'do unto others' thing,
To the people who don't get that there is a great karmic ball that rolls slowly onward and literally, what goes around, comes around and if they expect it not to bite them in the ass, they are in for a big surprise.

I'll try to forgive them but I think my energies would be better spent elsewhere, leopards rarely change their spots. I may eventually forgive, the thing is? I can never forget.

30 Day truth meme-Day 3

2010-11-19T02:29:00.003-05:00

Day 03
Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I suppose that there a number of things I need to forgive myself for. This one is a tough one but if I had to choose, there at least 2 that I felt were most important.

First off, I need to forgive my natural cynicism, I tend to look at people and their motives with a jaundiced eye. Once you've been shit on a number of times, it rapidly becomes apparent that there is always an ulterior motive. I'm rarely wrong although sometimes I wish I could remain blissfully unaware but my brain doesn't work that way. More the pity sometimes I think. I could never be a religious person who follows blindly and questions nothing.

Second, I need to forgive myself for allowing injustices to get to me, to bring me down, to depress me. I realise I can't change people, all I can change is my reactions, but sometimes? That's a really, really hard thing to do. I want to believe the best of people and then my illusions are shattered like glass. I let things get to me and I wonder how people can sleep at night when they treat others so shabbily. Injustice is hard for me to swallow, it's so bitter.

30 day truth meme- day 02

2010-11-09T11:36:00.003-05:00

Day 02- Something you love about yourself.

This one is easier than I thought it would be. I love that I can pick out a liar in a heartbeat. I always know when I'm being lied to. ALWAYS. I may not say anything but you can believe it's been filed away in my brain for future reference. I NEVER forget a lie. EVER. Lie to me ONCE and I will NEVER trust you or feel the same about you ever again. I have walked away from family members and friends over their inability to be honest. To me, it's an insult to my intelligence, the inference being I'm too stupid to know I'm being lied to and that if I'm told what they think I want to hear, I'll believe them. WRONG. The bigger the lie, the more likely I am to call you out on it or just simply walk away. I cannot tolerate being lied to AT ALL. No matter what it is, I will never be as angry and hurt by the truth as I am by being lied to.