Ramblings

Well, it has been awhile since I sat down to post. Been working a lot lately. Been depressed lately too. I find it hard to post when I feel crappy and as each day goes by without posting, the easier it is to just say yea, yea I'll get to it.

It's not full blown depression, just situational depression. This is a hard month for me. Death of a family member, death of a very dear and close friend, and how different my life would be at this moment had he not passed away, what would have been my mom's 69th birthday on the 21st, the beginning of my dad's downward spiral that ended in his death 2 weeks before Christmas 6 years ago. Hard to deal with and then there is the problems at home to add to the mix that has me feeling like shit.

On the up side though, I have started Christmas shopping and have J and J's gifts done now. The payoff for working overtime. I will probably work a few more Saturdays between now and then just to make sure I can pay for everything and still be able to keep saving for my car next spring.

My car....oh my god, I need a car again so bad. I got taken so badly when my Tempo died. I bought a Ford Explorer and I ran into huge debt over that vehicle. The loan to buy it used, and every week it seemed like more and more things needed to be fixed and nothing ever cost less than 5 or 6 hundred each time. In the end, I ended up scrapping it cos it was more trouble and more cost than it was worth. Foolishly, I got loans through finance companies with huge interest rates that's taken me 4 years to pay off. Never again!

I want to buy new, with a warranty, and while I realise you can get a lemon even with a new car, at least I'd be somewhat protected. I've been "building" a car online at various sites to see what the costs will be, the interest rate, how long I'd have to spend paying for it etc. I haven't made up my mind completely what kind I'd like but it has to be a small car with good gas mileage. The price has come down to under a dollar a liter compared to a couple months ago when it was 1.38 a liter!!

Although I have heard that when the price of gas is so high the dealerships are begging for customers so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the spring brings but oh, I so wish I could afford to buy now! My loan will be paid off in April and I hope to have a car by the end of May. I will not be stupid about it this time, there's an auto mall just up the road from me and I plan on taking a pad and pen and visiting them all to see where I can get the best possible deal. I will take someone knowledgeable with me so I don't get taken advantage of. It's a sad fact that in this day and age women still get ripped off by dealers who see a "stupid" woman coming and gleefully rub their hands together!

So I guess it's that time to start getting stuff out of storage in preparation for Christmas. I am looking forward to it. There was a time for years that I could care less about Christmas. The fun ended for me when my mom died in '97. It took 10 years for me to be able to face Christmas again. Oh I did all the gifts thing, dinner thing, but my heart was so not in it and inevitably I spent Christmas day in tears. Last year I thought enough woman, you love Christmas, it's time to put the pain away. My mom wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for 10 years or miss out on the fun that Christmas was when she was alive. We used to call daily talking about what we'd gotten for the kidlets, shopped together, even though the way she shopped could make me mental, what I wouldn't give to be able to do that again.

I read something recently about how old you feel as compared to how old you actually are. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I "felt" 35. Then I thought why 35? and it occurred to me that at that age, I was still happy most of the time. There had been no death to touch my life, my mom died 3 weeks before I turned 36, my marriage was still relatively stable, my kids were young, I had energy for them, we did a lot together and at that age I didn't feel like a ghost in my own life. Unseen, unheard and unacknowledged.

Pretty sad and pathetic huh? Somehow, like I've said in a previous post, I need to find me again. Make my life mean something besides being wife and mom cos that time is over now. It's time to seriously think about what I want the last half of my life to be. What to do, how I can find it in myself to be happy again. It's a lot to think about. When I was younger I didn't give it any thought, I just did what had to be done. Lived my life, raised my kids, enjoyed my marriage. The problem now is I don't have that anymore and have to turn my brain to a whole new way of thinking and that brings on the depression.

So, that's what's been going on in what passes for my brain lately. Not always a fun place to be!

Cathy

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, Canadian style. It's been an incredibly busy weekend with more to come today.

Today is also my very good and oldest friend Char's birthday.

Yesterday, we went to her place in the country for a turkey dinner and to celebrate her birthday. The drive up there, while only a little more than an hour north of us, was incredible!! The leaves changing colour, the blazing reds and oranges and golds in the sunshine were brilliant. I have always wanted to drive north at this time of year to see the changing colours but somehow always miss the weekends where the colours are the most intense. Did I take photos?? No, I did not, even though I had my camera right there with me. I took a picture of some cows but wasn't too sure if they would be all blurred from taking them from a moving car. Turns out that even though the camera I have is the cheapest on the market, they would've turned out cos the cow one did. To be honest though I was so blown away by how brilliant everything was that I would see something , raise the camera and not get the shot off in time!

I also got to see one of our oldest friends for the first time in over 15 years. Celeste, Char and I used to hang out all the time back in the day but we moved on and lost touch and it was so good to get together again! We had a great time and took loads of pics, I wasn't gonna post any here in case they don't want their pictures splashed all over the Internet, but I have to show at least one. We are laughing naturally in this pic and it's become my fave and I even made it my desk top pic.

Char's hubby made a fantastic turkey and cake for her birthday. Lot's of wine drank, lots of laughs and lots of "remember whens"! It is strange in a way to think that we've known each other for 30 odd years!! Where did the time go? We don't feel any older although we definitely LOOK older!

We will be getting together here close to Christmas for a party and I'm already planning it out in my head and totally looking forward to seeing them both again. We're not gonna let another 15 years go by and will keep in touch this time.

The only mar in an otherwise good weekend was my futile search for fireplace gloves as a gift for Char. I spent 3 hours Friday night going store to store, 4 hours calling around on Saturday cos at that point the last thing I wanted to do was drive all over the place with my grandson in the car bitching about "shopping". I finally thought OK, if i can't get the fireplace gloves, then I'll buy the "OVE GLOVE" and even that was hard to find. Finally, a clerk at Canadian Tire suggested I go to "Linens n Things, cos for sure they would have the OVE GLOVE, and they did!! Mind you, we had to drive to the other end of the city to get it but at that point I was just so relieved I didn't care!! Just as an aside, I have to take a moment and bitch about how incredibly STUPID it is that places that sell fireplaces and accessories wouldn't have FIREPLACE GLOVES!! Like for gawds sake, is that not an ACCESSORY???? Jeez..the only place that carried them, of course, had none left! But all is OK cos I was able to get her a set of the OVE GLOVES and another bitch, forgive me I'm on a roll here, why do they only sell ONE instead of 2 to a pack?? I realise they are for right or left but c'mon people, who buys ONE glove??? Crazy.

Today we are going to J's for dinner again. More turkey. I made the stuffing yesterday morning and C took it down for me yesterday so J could get the turkey in early. She wants to have dinner around 3 so she can be rid of everyone early as we all have to go back to work tomorrow on days. It has been a beautiful weekend weather wise. Like summer again with the temperature in the low 20s, Celsius that is, for any Americans who may think I'm nuts saying the 20s is summer weather!!! I live in Canada, yes, but I am so close to the border of New York state so our weather is much the same as theirs. We don't get a lot of snow where we are, we certainly get the cold although the really frigid temps don't usually arrive til mid January.

Well, I'd like to take a moment here and say a little prayer for my sister Lori. She passed away 2 years ago today. I miss her. My brother will be coming for dinner today and even though he can be a major pain, he's the only one of my family left. We need to stick together no matter how much of a pain he is, he's not in the greatest of health and soon enough I'll be the only surviving member of the family and I feel it's important to make sure we at least talk a few times a year, keep in touch and get together at holidays. Life is way too fucking short to hold grudges and before you know it, the people are gone and no way to make amends for anything. It will be a bitter sweet day for us missing my mom and dad and sis.

So I guess I better get my ass in gear, clean this place up so I start the week with a clean apartment, a few loads of laundry to do and get ready to gear up for another turkey dinner!

Hope all had a good weekend and to my fellow Canadians, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Cathy

Autumn

Today is hubby's birthday so the kids came up for dinner and we decided to take a walk to Jack Darling Park and then went on a mini hike through The Rattray Marsh. It is one of the last protected wetland areas along Lake Ontario, and it is preserved beautifully. There are all kinds of wild life and plant life of different species. Even deer live in this marsh area.

There are boardwalks all the way through and around the marsh, trees lay where they fall either from lightening or just rot, we saw chipmunks which we don't normally see around here. We are inundated with squirrels but not many chipmunks. We saw alot of them today. Even the minnows are still swimming around in the shallow waters where the sun hits and keeps the pools warm. I took alot of photos and thought I'd share some with you.

The first one is the map of the Rattray Marsh


Here are some pics of fall flowering plants

A tree hit by lightening




A caterpillar

The beach on the shore of Lake Ontario, dog ran out of the pic as I snapped it!

A dead fish...Carp maybe?

A bumble bee

Minnows enjoying a sunny pool

And of course a Maple Leaf!

We had a really nice walk, it was sunny and brisk, just the way fall is supposed to be. As much as I dread the bitter cold of winter, I think I would miss the changing seasons if we didn't have them here.

We came home and I put on the lasagnas I made for hubby's birthday dinner and we had birthday cake for dessert. Comfort food on a chilly day!

One of the things we also got done this weekend was going to the advance polling station to vote and get it out of the way. Better to go to the advance polls as there is no wait, we were in and out in 5 minutes.

Went to Micheals to pick up a couple of models for hubby's birthday and took advantage of C's discount...gotta like 25 percent off!! I can see me doing some Christmas shopping there with that kind of a discount!

Well time for me to start getting ready for the week, back on days and back to getting up at 4 am for 2 weeks...sigh..oh well.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend!

Til next time

Cathy

Good luck or good Karma??

Today is a day that I can honestly say all is right with the world!!

I had a bad scare this morning. I went to the bank to withdraw money and make a few stops along the way to pick up cat food, bus tickets, drop some money off to J and pay for my Avon order.

As a treat I decided to go to Tim Horton's in the hope they would have some cream of broccoli soup for me and J. They didn't have any today so I grabbed a bagel and an English toffee for J and a coffee for me. Stopped off at J's work, had a chat and then headed home.

Normally I would carry a purse. Today I foolishly crammed everything into my pockets. As I left J's I stopped, lit a cigarette, and continued on my way, enjoying the gorgeous fall day, listening to my mp3 player. Crossed the road and never noticing that I had dropped the envelope with my cash in it. Got to the building, put my hand in my pocket for my keys and almost had a freaking heart attack!!! No envelope!! I phoned J and was freaking out, made her go out and look around for it as I headed back the way I had come. All the while thinking I'll never find it. A young guy had passed me on the street and I thought for sure if he spotted it, he would've picked it up. Sad to admit, had it been me that found an envelope with money in it, I would've picked it up as well. You cannot imagine the absolute relief I felt when I got to the major intersection, I spotted it lying there, all money intact!!! The thing is, even tho it was a bank envelope, the money was clearly visible and I couldn't believe my good fortune at finding it!

It wasn't a lot of money, only $135 bucks but it was to pay for my Avon order and my cigs from the reserve. It wouldn't have broke me to lose it but I sure didn't want to have to dip into my savings to replace it.

I should buy a lottery ticket but not only do I think I've used up all available luck in finding it, I think it would be better to balance the good karma by doing something nice for someone else.

I'm off to work in the next little while and somewhere along the line or at work tonight, I will find a way to repay the karma gods!!

Have a good Friday all!

Cathy