Ramblings

Well, it has been awhile since I sat down to post. Been working a lot lately. Been depressed lately too. I find it hard to post when I feel crappy and as each day goes by without posting, the easier it is to just say yea, yea I'll get to it.

It's not full blown depression, just situational depression. This is a hard month for me. Death of a family member, death of a very dear and close friend, and how different my life would be at this moment had he not passed away, what would have been my mom's 69th birthday on the 21st, the beginning of my dad's downward spiral that ended in his death 2 weeks before Christmas 6 years ago. Hard to deal with and then there is the problems at home to add to the mix that has me feeling like shit.

On the up side though, I have started Christmas shopping and have J and J's gifts done now. The payoff for working overtime. I will probably work a few more Saturdays between now and then just to make sure I can pay for everything and still be able to keep saving for my car next spring.

My car....oh my god, I need a car again so bad. I got taken so badly when my Tempo died. I bought a Ford Explorer and I ran into huge debt over that vehicle. The loan to buy it used, and every week it seemed like more and more things needed to be fixed and nothing ever cost less than 5 or 6 hundred each time. In the end, I ended up scrapping it cos it was more trouble and more cost than it was worth. Foolishly, I got loans through finance companies with huge interest rates that's taken me 4 years to pay off. Never again!

I want to buy new, with a warranty, and while I realise you can get a lemon even with a new car, at least I'd be somewhat protected. I've been "building" a car online at various sites to see what the costs will be, the interest rate, how long I'd have to spend paying for it etc. I haven't made up my mind completely what kind I'd like but it has to be a small car with good gas mileage. The price has come down to under a dollar a liter compared to a couple months ago when it was 1.38 a liter!!

Although I have heard that when the price of gas is so high the dealerships are begging for customers so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the spring brings but oh, I so wish I could afford to buy now! My loan will be paid off in April and I hope to have a car by the end of May. I will not be stupid about it this time, there's an auto mall just up the road from me and I plan on taking a pad and pen and visiting them all to see where I can get the best possible deal. I will take someone knowledgeable with me so I don't get taken advantage of. It's a sad fact that in this day and age women still get ripped off by dealers who see a "stupid" woman coming and gleefully rub their hands together!

So I guess it's that time to start getting stuff out of storage in preparation for Christmas. I am looking forward to it. There was a time for years that I could care less about Christmas. The fun ended for me when my mom died in '97. It took 10 years for me to be able to face Christmas again. Oh I did all the gifts thing, dinner thing, but my heart was so not in it and inevitably I spent Christmas day in tears. Last year I thought enough woman, you love Christmas, it's time to put the pain away. My mom wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for 10 years or miss out on the fun that Christmas was when she was alive. We used to call daily talking about what we'd gotten for the kidlets, shopped together, even though the way she shopped could make me mental, what I wouldn't give to be able to do that again.

I read something recently about how old you feel as compared to how old you actually are. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I "felt" 35. Then I thought why 35? and it occurred to me that at that age, I was still happy most of the time. There had been no death to touch my life, my mom died 3 weeks before I turned 36, my marriage was still relatively stable, my kids were young, I had energy for them, we did a lot together and at that age I didn't feel like a ghost in my own life. Unseen, unheard and unacknowledged.

Pretty sad and pathetic huh? Somehow, like I've said in a previous post, I need to find me again. Make my life mean something besides being wife and mom cos that time is over now. It's time to seriously think about what I want the last half of my life to be. What to do, how I can find it in myself to be happy again. It's a lot to think about. When I was younger I didn't give it any thought, I just did what had to be done. Lived my life, raised my kids, enjoyed my marriage. The problem now is I don't have that anymore and have to turn my brain to a whole new way of thinking and that brings on the depression.

So, that's what's been going on in what passes for my brain lately. Not always a fun place to be!

Cathy